In which I talk with God – or I’m crazy maybe (pt2)

by Craig on July 21, 2011

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This is Part two of a conversation with Jesus. He’s got the unenviable task of convincing me there is a benevolent and useful nugget of truth in the negative voice I hear so often in my head. “You’re not good enough”. Part one is today’s post on Deep into Love. It’s not a long “part one” – a few minutes reading and part two will flow really nicely for you.

I don’t chit chat with Our Lord like this often.
The conversation is a little debate…
a little resistance to his love.

It’s God bending low,
and it was as real as the tapping on my keyboard.

Either that or I’m crazy. I guess we have to leave that option open.

Our Lord has just asked me what the core of my being is.

“You. You’re the core of my being.” I said to the God of the Universe.

“That was a little easy, are you being trite with me?”

“No.”

“What about the world, and its rules. You live in the world, you have to play its game. Isn’t that your core?”

“No.” (one word answers – sometimes revealing, sometimes evading)

“And..”

“No, my faith is my essence, believing in you is the one strand of my life that has been most consistent and most true. It’s the one thing that I have succeeded most wildly at.”

“Then are you saying you were “good enough” in that one area, faith?”

“No, I failed there too – I fail there all the time. You stayed with me and pulled me through. I’ve been a challenge, I’ve resisted, I’ve rebelled, I’ve been proud, I haven’t been deserving. I’ve failed a million times…”

And he cut me off. “But did you have faith?”

“I had doubt.”

“But did. you. have. faith?” he persistently asked again. He is persistent this one. No?

“It depends. Define faith for me?”

“Believing what you can’t prove.”

“I had doubts, but I guess I always had faith too.”

“Is anybody good enough?”

“So many people have more things, have more success, they’ve found someone to love and they’re sharing their lives with them, they haven’t failed as many times as I have…”

He interrupts – I’d say rudely – but he is Love and all…

“If I am real, if I am the one who created all things, if I am the one who makes possible everything you see around you right now. The sun sifting through the trees, the air conditioning hum, that love kitty sleeping soundly just to your right, the air that you breathe – if it all exists just because I exist…how does this talk of success, and the pride of it all, how does it stack up? How real is that? How justified is that? If I am real, if I exist, then that success, and the pride that comes from it, is that what life is about?”

“No.” And just like every other “no” this one came with a resigned sigh. I may not sound like I was resisting much – but I was. It’s only his kindness that leads us to repentance – or, in this case, a true vision.

Part three of this conversation will be here tomorrow, and the conclusion will be on Deep Into Love. How often do you get a chance to hear a crazy person talking to God?

(except I’m not crazy)

(I’m pretty sure I’m not)

(but I am sure that God is not)

(crazy, that is)

please come back…

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Mari July 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

Were all a bit crazy! But regardless, this battle to be “good enough” and successful is from the world. He knows better. He knows that we can’t and we aren’t. Less of me, more of Him? :)

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Craig July 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Mari, thank you – and it’s true – He does know better. And Amen – less of me – more of him – and fine – as long as you’re crazy too I feel better (◠‿◠)

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Mary July 21, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Wow. Craig, this is amazing…I hope you keep up the beautiful conversation with our Lord, trust me, I know what a struggle it can be sometimes to give in to Him, but so worth it! As one who talks to God like a crazy person all the time, I know the power His answers carry: they always blow me away, even though it is hard to slow down and listen and accept His love sometimes…
One day when I was tired and frustrated with myself, I said to Him, “Lord, I don’t love You as much as I should, and You have no need of me, so what good is my life?” To which He responded in typical fashion by turning the matter on its head: “Mary, I love you and you need me! My grace is sufficient for you in all things, trust Me.” And I was left speechless…He’s always right, of course! May we always be granted the grace we need to acknowledge, accept, and live in His love!
God bless you, Craig, and thank you again for sharing your story with us. God has blessed and encouraged me by your words again today. God is real, God exists, He created us, loves us, and we are truly blessed!

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Craig July 21, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Mary, I hope you don’t mind, but I poked all around your blog. Yesterday was the day of the huge mistake that set back the timetable of following a dream. I did everything spectacularly well – I even did the math – 99.6% of the effort (in terms of time) was picture perfect – and one silly, little, minute mistake at the end and everything was worthless. And the effects will ripple. I’ll be posting about this next week I think.

And as I took Laska the love Kitty out for a walk in the wake of it I noticed that I was talking to myself in a manner which I wouldn’t to anyone else – harsh, cruel, mean – and I came back into my love board and began pulling off the post he notes that included what I was saying to myself – 18 of them – 18! More on that next week. I hearted your board by the way – you have made it your own – I kind of get the flow of it – I wish you Godspeed – and I’m probably using this term wrong – but with the “postulate” thing (I had to look it up). I hope you get to read while you’re going through the process (◠‿◠). On a day I needed a smile, you provided one. Amazing how God can work that out. No? God bless you Mary!!

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Mary July 22, 2011 at 8:04 am

Craig, you are welcome at my blog anytime! If you ever get anything out of my scattered thoughts and random quotes of the day, may God be praised–it is all the work of grace.
As a contemplative Dominican nun (postulant is just the name for the first stage of formation), I will spend a good part of the day at liturgical prayer, some time at work in the community (chores, card work, etc), and some time at study and holy reading. It is a beautifully balanced life, all for God Alone.

In the meantime, I am trying my best to get ready as much as I can while I am still in the world. Hence my participation in the Love War, which has already helped me tremendously, though I still have a long way to go. Even just knowing I’m not alone in my struggles is a major source of encouragement.

In the wake of failure, weakness, fallenness, I know it is so easy to get caught up in bitterness and negative thoughts against self, even if one is normally a very easy-going, cheerful person. It happens to me periodically. But why is it that we allow ourselves to say things to self that we would never say to others? How can we let the tension/anxiety/panic out peacefully, or better yet, keep it from building up so much in the first place? These are just some of the questions that I have, in the light of faith and love, been trying to answer for myself over the last few years. So I am looking forward to the continuation of my story and yours as we go on in the light of God’s love, and I pray for you every day!

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Craig July 23, 2011 at 8:34 am

Mary, you are a treasure, God’s treasure, and thank you so much for praying – I heart that you have prayed for me. This part of life is an extreme struggle – most of life has been – and prayers are more than welcome – they’re kind of necessary. And I think the reason we talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to anyone else – is that nobody hears – it’s like sinning in secret – it doesn’t seem so bad until someone finds out – then there’s all of the mea culpa – when were talking to ourselves nobody knows it – the voices can get away with it. That’s why giving them a voice on the wall – lessons some of their powers. It forces them to go public and face the light – and we know the darkness does not like the light. It’s not an easy war – it has its ups and downs – as I know you know – but it’s working – it has a magic of its own. God bless you and keep you Mary. I hope you still get to read me, by the way, when you become a nun (◠‿◠).

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Michelle July 22, 2011 at 4:22 am

“If I am real, if I am the one who created all things, if I am the one who makes possible everything you see around you right now……… If I am real, if I exist, then that success, and the pride that comes from it, is that what life is about?”

Sometimes I stop and think…I either have immense faith in our Lord to be God and have all in His hands, or…..I have a huge wall around me and don’t let anything in or out that could interrupt my “peace”.

Case in point. Due to a question my brother (a nurse) asked my hubby on Thurs pm when he complained of a sore jaw (‘how does your arm feel? a bit sore), hubby has since had blood tests, a dental visit (which ruled out a tooth problem), and a stress test which the doctor stopped (it appears the heart is operating as though it is not receiving enough blood). So we are now waiting for our gp to get back from holidays (see him next Tues) to discuss options. One of which is a camera up to check the arteries to the heart.

At the moment I am questioning whether I really have the faith, or I have a wall preventing me from feeling. I think it is the first, I believe that God is telling me that I have the faith and that He is God, but I occasionally hear that little voice of doubt. (I believe, help me in my unbelief…)

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Craig July 23, 2011 at 10:23 am

Oh, Michelle, I was there for so many years – almost 2 decades of years – when I believed – but I “un”believed. So I know – I know exactly what you’re saying. I don’t have that anymore. But it took 1 million answers to 1 million questions, and one very subtle last and final blow to doubt – before I came to realize that it’s illogical, given all the evidence he’s given me, not believe. All that to say – I know what you’re feeling. I have just prayed for you – and your faith. It’s being tested now, stretched, and I get it. God bless you Michelle – know that you have been prayed for – and will be. I’m not sure it’s laid out anywhere in the Bible actually difficult faith can be – but. it. is.

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Debbie July 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

So glad you are not crazy . . .and God talks to you, hence us! :)

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Craig July 23, 2011 at 10:25 am

They say, if you worry about being crazy, that in fact you are not. So I guess the fact that I worried about it a little bit is a good thing – and proof. But I know I’m not the only one with these experiences – and I do now get to share what he tells me – and that’s neat. Thank you Debbie – and as always God bless you.

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A. August 1, 2011 at 10:59 am

thank you for being faithful with your writing to us, Craig, even when you are beyond weary because today i am weary….deeply….and i cannot imagine writing a whole post. God’s grace is so evident in you and in what you do.

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