In which it doesn’t seem like a Scripture-y post – but I’ll make it work

by Craig on August 2, 2011

This is continued from Deep into Love today. Part one is here. Here’s the quick recap of the story so far…

…there’s a brown recluse spider on the back of my hand. I need to be rid of it before it sinks it’s gross spidery fangs into my manly but very delicate flesh.

I’m on the way to the bathroom to flush it…
once there, I’ll have to lift the seat of the toilet bowl…
and yes, I always put the toilet seat down…
not because I’m living with a woman…
but because I have a cat who already thinks the faucet in the bathtub is his private water fountain.

I don’t want the toilet bowl to become his main watering hole.

That’s just gross.

I heart the face of Laska the love Kitty.

Look at this…

What’s not to love about this face?
It’s his “far away gaze” pose.

Anyway…

I already know where this face licks.
I’m willing to live with that…
but please don’t drink from where I…
for lack of a better word…
sit.

Oh, and I’ve never written a non Bible related post here – so I need a Bible tie in…

I’ll share more detail on this later. But I’ll state this rock solid theological fact right now – and get it over with. Spiders, at least the fangy, venomous, blood thirsty, cold hearted, mean, vicious, cruel, disgusting kind, were not in God’s original creation in the Garden.

They are results of the Fall. I’ll justify that later – but at least for now I have my biblical tie in – and I feel good about that.

Anyway, the story…

I gracefully make it to the toilet bowl without offending the brown recluse spider on the back of my hand.

I take my other hand and lift lid and the seat up…
all the time keeping my spider occupied hand as level and calm as…
well…
as a glassy clean and clear reflecting pond,
no ripples,
no movement,
no upset spider drama.

And once the lid is up… and quicker than you can say…
well it doesn’t matter – because whatever you’d say – I moved quicker…
a flick of the wrist and the spider is swimming in the potential kitty watering hole.
I could’ve flushed him right away and “no one would’ve thought any more of him”.
See – scriptural reference – I feel justified now.

Anyhoo…

I needed to see him die.
So I watched.
And of course with the lid up, Laska the love Kitty came over to watch too.

But who knew spiders were such good swimmers?

He doesn’t die. His little spider legs keep moving and he’s walking on the water.

Walking. On, Water!

Now he’s mocking God!

He deserves at least stoning!

But stoning wasn’t practical – or possible really.

But the death part – that I could do.

And you’d think this was the end of the story.

The headline…

Gross spider meets watery grave.

But no.

There’s more…

and spiders…

seriously…

I bet Jesus didn’t even care much for spiders…

He was all care-y, and respect-y of his creation, and kind hearted and all…

but SPIDERS?

I’m sticking to my self created anti-spider theology.

More of the eight legged story tomorrow…

please come back.

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

A. August 2, 2011 at 10:36 am

So glad you exiled him before he bit you! And I am very curious about venomous critters-snakes and spiders (poison frogs, etc) and how and when they came to be in this earth.

And yes, Laska’s face is adorable, so heartable! That entire kitty is adorable!!!! Loved that tail in the blanket picture yesterday, and the kangaroo pose-made me laugh (don’t tell him though, don’t want to hurt his feelings and he might not understand.)

I have read that osage oranges (green, bumpy, round, about the size of a very large orange or small grapefruit) placed here and there repel spiders. There’s some folk remedy for you.

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Craig August 2, 2011 at 12:06 pm

A. My little Bible spider theory is just that – theory – NOT spoken from Sinai – and maybe not even true – but that disclaimer aside – can’t think of a good argument against it – SPiders are a result of the Fall.

And, By the Way, Laska has informed me that the actual impression he was going for it “in the moment” was a velociraptor from Jurassic Park – or maybe a Tyrannosaurus rex. Such a brilliant!

And when the bad guy gets here on Thursday – maybe even today – well I’m going to make it clear that I want an all-out blitz on these little critters – no survivors!

God bless you A.

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Kristin August 2, 2011 at 10:58 am

I”ve seen those pictures of what these spider bites can do. . .I think God was watching over you, protecting you from a venamous bite! And I would look twice before sitting on the potential kitty watering hole. Those spiders are tricky and hard to flush!
My nightmare is snakes! Had one in the garage last summer under a dresser and found him just in time to see him stick his head out and grab a pea frog that had jumped in the wrong place at the wrong time. Seeing a frog halfway in the snake’s mouth didn’t set well with me!
I’ll be praying we don’t have nightmares tonight! :)
Looking forward to reading more about the theology of the spider tomorrow!

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Craig August 2, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Kristen, I’ve seen those pictures to – and I really don’t want to think about it – because as I said, there’s more to this story. And I’m all flitty and funny about the topic here – but I know that these spiders are dangerous. I’ll be sleeping on the couch in the living room until the spider guy tells me I have an all clear. And I’m not sure I’ll get to the spider theology tomorrow – maybe a bit of it – because there’s more of the story to tell – and tomorrow – since the Ann Voskamp linky is on LOVE – YAY – I’m doing an all-out love blitz on Deep Into Love – so the sequel has to be here. Kristen, I truly do heart that you read me – and that I get to read you. Thank you. And God bless and keep you – and stay away from spiders and snakes – and frogs too – I’m not a big fan of frogs. :)

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Martha Orlando August 2, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I share your phobia of spiders, at least the ones capable of biting; garden spiders I can enjoy from a respectful distance! Can’t wait to hear more about the “spider theology”!
Loved Laska, too. He looks so much like my cat, Jordan, who will be featured in Thursday’s blog, so you can make a comparison then.
This piece was entertaining, witty, charming, and, yes, you did succeed in working the Bible in there – way to go! Looking forward to tomorrow’s blog, Craig.
God bless!

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Craig August 2, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Oooh. If I forget the swing by on Thursday – Thursday is when the spider guys coming – please come back here and nudge me – I don’t want to miss Jordan’s big moment :-) working the Bible in for this post was the trickiest part of it. Talking out the spider incident was actually a helpful thing. My “spider theology” – I won’t get too heavy with it – it’s all just a big guess anyway – there is no definitive “spider theology” to be had anywhere. It’ll be a little tongue-in-cheek – but I bet it’ll be true! God bless and keep you Martha!

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Mary August 2, 2011 at 2:21 pm

While I don’t believe that all spiders as such are evil, I totally sympathize. The other day I was out sitting on the ground by the garden when a largish brown spider came out of nowhere and crawled over my leg. Luckily I think it was just an ordinary garden spider minding its own business (my leg just happened to be in its way for some reason), I still had to very carefully make sure that it wasn’t still on me after that, just in case.
And I remember having to be very, very careful about the Black Widow Spiders living in the bicycle shed when I was a kid…aaah! Thankfully I never got bitten, though!
Take care!

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Craig August 2, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Mary, first of all, my theological statement that spiders are evil – it may possibly be colored by my possible little phobia. :-) But seriously – SPIDERS! AARGH, MEH, BLARGH.

And Mary – I bow to your courage!! My moment of clarity and quick decision-making and calm certainty with the spider the brown recluse n my hand – that’s really not in my nature. Somehow, I think YOUR bravery is in yours. God bless you Mary, and thank you.

PS and of course I can’t end this reply without noting that your comment – written by Mary – came directly after the comment written by Martha.

Murtha and Mary!!

Probably not the first time that’s happened to you – but it’s the first time it’s happened to me :-) God bless.

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Mary August 2, 2011 at 7:14 pm

aw, thanks, Craig!
by the way, not to get all science-y on you, but I think it helps if you add soap to the water. It breaks the surface tension or something so the spider can’t tread water any more. Not sure if this helps, but I thought I’d mention it anyway. Good luck with the spider war! I look forward to reading to the end of it tomorrow.

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Craig August 2, 2011 at 7:35 pm

so he wasn’t walking on the water – he was walking on the surface tension? so maybe a stoning wasn’t in order – but I still think the flushing was. The spider “guy” will be out Thursday – or maybe tomorrow. I be sleeping on the couch. God bless.

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Debra August 2, 2011 at 6:36 pm

That’s Laska’s dreamy look, that faraway gaze…
“Walking. On, Water! Now he’s mocking God!” – LOL!!! Spiders are not of God; they are fallen creatures and sneaky as snakes and demons. These are my all-time favorite posts because I love a good spider rant. We are calling this Spider Awareness Week.
And now for my spider poem… ready?

The Spider

Before my daughter’s evening bath
she spies in the toilet bowl a spider.
Come quick, come quick!
I rush up the stairs like a firefighter
to find this small brown intruder
struggling for dear life.

Leg strands tread water.
Flush quick, flush quick!
I pull the silver handle.
A sluggish gurgle but no
spider washes away.
Old houses, old plumbing,
what can you expect?

Can spiders swim?
I don’t know but take no chances,
flush twice. She peers down with
pity this time instead of fear. Oh poor
thing, he didn’t ask to be born a spider,
she philosophizes. I know, I know
but it’s them or us, I say, as surely
as if he were any ordinary terrorist.

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Craig August 2, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Amen! Best spider poem ever! Stupid spiders! Thank you for the poem – and although I adore good philosophy – I’m with you – it’s us or them! God bless you Debra.

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starla August 2, 2011 at 8:52 pm

HA!! SPIDER OFF YOU and in the WATERY GRAVE….no resurrection for HIM!! WOOT!

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Craig August 3, 2011 at 12:39 pm

and Amen Starla, “no resurrection for HIM!! WOOT!” try as I might I just can’t see why any spider would deserve resurrection. Spiders – Gah! thank you Starla – your comment was a little piece of gold – God bless and keep you!

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Cora August 2, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Good thing I wasn’t in that closet with you, Craig, because there would have been a massive traffic jam with LOTS of screaming!!!!! I am NOT a spider person. Being in Florida, we have these Jurasic Park sized things that keep me housebound for a few months of the summer. They are everywhere, and YES, they are NOT from the Garden of Eden. Not in the perfect plan. I’ve been known to empty a can of bug spray on a single spider. And if that’s not handy, a can of gold spray paint will do. This just made my day today. I needed a good laugh, though I’m so sorry it was at your expense!

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Craig August 3, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Cora, I am so, so, so with you! And hairspray – I found hairspray does a pretty good job too. I’m not sure if it kills them – I think it just kind of freezes them in position – and then by the time hairspray wears off they die – I think paint does the same thing – it’s just a little messier. I used to use Scotchgard foaming cleaner on them – they get trapped in the foam – and later after the foam dried I just vacuumed up the foam encased spider. Spiders are gross! God bless you Cora and thank you for laughing at me :-)

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Michelle August 3, 2011 at 2:36 am

Spiders ……… nuh, can’t do them. Snakes, yes. Spiders, NO. They can hide, they can get lost. I remember as a young teen, there was a huntsman (woodspider) on my bedroom wall. Mum sprayed it and it fell and we couldn’t find it. So I slept in the loungeroom! And changed the bed the next day, and vacuumed and,……..

So, I am totally with you on the spider issue. :)

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Michelle August 3, 2011 at 5:18 am

and on a humorous (?) side note – we had friends with wood panel walls who lived on a farm. There was a huntsman spider on the wall and the only can they could find to spray it with was …… hair lacquer. Which meant the spider was dead, stuck to the wall! Until they removed it.

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Craig August 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Michelle – no other response to this except – Amen, amen, amen – and God bless you :-)

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