In which they didn’t understand why…

by Craig on September 14, 2011

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Yesterday your comments showed so much compassion for a messed up kid.

This year is the first time this grown up “messed up kid” has ever really heard anything like it. Although the messed up kid had anger toward the abuse – he never accounted for how it affected his life – and decisions.

There was a reason I wilted so quickly in the face of rejection – and still do.
There was a reason I bloomed so quickly when I was accepted – and still do.

A desert flower pops up bright and robust after a rain…
grabbing what it can, while it can…
and then vanishes in a blink…
when the oppressive dry and hot inevitably returns.

It’s one of my earliest memories – about the age of five, making a willful decision to keep the physical abuse in my family limited to just me.

I’m thinking there were many memories before that I choose not to remember.

For instance, I don’t remember- but I remember the story being told, of the time that my body was covered with unexplained bruises that didn’t to go away. My mother took me to the hospital. There is no way a four or five-year-old child would be taken into hospital today with recurring and unexplained bruises everywhere, and not have some very pointed questions aimed at the parents.

Things were different back then.

The things that happen when we’re children – they set us up for life.

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Maybe this is why God chose not to be only God…
but perfect Father…
so an always loving Father….
crucial for healthy life…
is always available.

No matter how old we get, in the eyes of eternity, we’re still babes.

At any rate, thank you for your compassion. I shy away from it – but it’s nice.

Still, the point of yesterday’s post was that those two horrible years bookended an absolutely magnificent one.

During that brief, sunshine-y resurgence of a year I rebelled against authority…
and they could never understand why this little kid…

with so much potential…
was so defiant…
making decisions that were wrongheaded…
and stubborn…
and confusing.

This is what brings me to the fullness of time.

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The period of Israel’s history…
sandwiched between Exile to Babylon and conquering by the Greeks…
and the subsequent conquering by Rome…
it was a short sunshine-y period.

It was their 8th grade between the horrible 7th and 9th grades.

So when Israel’s new Roman rulers entered the scene in 63 BC….
and they weren’t tyrannical rulers…
the Romans could never understand why this little nation…

with so much potential…
was so defiant…
making decisions that were wrongheaded…
and stubborn…
and confusing.

And this is the Israel that Our Lord was born into.

This was the Rome that Our Lord was born into.

More tomorrow…

please come back.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Martha Orlando September 14, 2011 at 11:41 am

Craig, I just slipped over to read the blog you connected us to; my heart is breaking for you and the little boy who loved his mother so much, he would sacrifice his own safety and happiness for hers. It is nothing short of a miracle that you found (still finding?) healing in the love of the perfect Father. So many children abused by their fathers cannot bring themselves to believe or trust in the Heavenly One. I’m so very glad you chose to.
May He continue to guide and guard your heart with love and blessings!

Martha

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Craig September 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Martha, he was a brave little kid – and the decision had to be made on the spot – and I remember looking at her – and looking at my brother – and knowing there was only one way I could make her happy. It’s as vivid as yesterday. I hear of people who have horrible fathers who have a difficult time accepting God as their Father. For me, it was easy, because he was everything – EVERYTHING – I had always wanted – and never had. I think it made me love him even that much more. I’d say I was lucky – but I think it wasn’t luck ツ thank you Martha – and God bless!

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Cora September 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Just the thought that we are still babes, cared for by the most loving of Fathers of all!!!! That just sent chills down my spine, Craig!!!! Here you were, carrying all this baggage all those years, and even though you didn’t have a clue, HE was orchestrating your “fullness of time” and making sure that every breath you took and every step you made would bring you to that very exacting point. I think back to that post where you had that picture of the hammock cords converging at the end, and I think of each of us here having that moment in our lives and then weaving our stories together here. How awesome or God is. . . . and how secure it makes me feel to be in His care. Laska is so wise. His post fits right into this for me!

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Craig September 14, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Cora, I think the older I get, the older we get – as we see time clicking by – it comes in extra special handy to know that the clock never stops ticking. all those years – I never once blamed him – I always – ALWAYS blamed me. And it is so nice to know that God weaves!!! God bless you Cora!

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Debra September 14, 2011 at 4:01 pm

The bruises remain in the heart long after disappearing from the body, but they too can be healed.
God can mend a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces. And you are handing the pieces over one by one. This is what I’ve done in my writing too. And so I really appreciate yours.
God also gives us the memories that we might release them to him for his purpose. And in the fullness of time we will see the big picture.

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Craig September 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Thank you Debra. Not much to say really – just that I agree with so much – and you KNOW I heart your writing. He gets everything from me – nothing held back. He can do what he wills with me – I’m a weeble. God Bless you Debra!!

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Debbie September 17, 2011 at 1:52 am

Well, I’m crying. Thank you, Craig, for sharing, for helping us to see things that we didn’t before. About Him. About us. Between you and Sara, I’m going to go through a lot of kleenex.
God bless you as He gives you His fullest attention and love.

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Craig September 18, 2011 at 10:28 am

I’m sorry, again, I’m so late in replying. But two weeks ago there was a week without near zero sleep. And this last week I’ve been overwhelmed with sadness for Sara Frankl. And as I stand vigil over Sara, from afar, along with so many others, and tears become as natural as breath, I’ve fallen behind, in reading – and commenting – and replying – and I’m sorry, because I heart your comments, and so today, finally, through the sad, powered by hope, and faith, and love, here’s my reply… I heart that you have been so patient with me…

… I know I didn’t have to include that cut-and-paste part for you, you are always patient with me. This is the definition of bittersweet. So sweet that she will get a new body, so sweet that she will be home where all of our hearts want to be, but so sad. Other than the heartbreaks from broken love, and having never been married, you know I’ve been through a lot of break-ups through the years, other than those, other than losing Laska’s predecessor Froofy the miracle cat, and losing my mom, I haven’t cried this much, for so long. that these tears are different – there’s nothing of me in these tears – my heart has changed – these tears are all, ALL, other than me. Thank you Debbie, and God bless you as always.

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