In which there is a fall…and a fall…and a fall

by Craig on March 7, 2012

Meditations on the third station of the cross | Jesus falls...source

It’s embarrassing to be prone to illness.
It’s embarrassing to be foggy headed all the time.
It’s embarrassing to always be tired.

This is continued from Deep into Love today…if you are here from there…thank you. If you haven’t read part one would you consider clicking here to go over to Deep into Love and read it. And thank you too.

There must be pride for embarrassment to maintain a hold.
So I am not humble Lord…I’m obviously prideful.
But even though YOU are humility…
Even though embarrassment couldn’t maintain a hold on You…
It had to attack You…
And I think…

I think…

because embarrassment isn’t sin…

I have to ask…

were You embarrassed every. time. You. fell?

It’s easy to tell You this Lord.
I’m writing this as a post…
But I’m writing it in conversation with You.

I know You get it.

Meditations on the third station of the cross | Jesus falls...source

But nobody else does… can’t blame them….I doubt I would get it…without living it.

Everybody seems to have trouble sleeping.
And I grow angry and want to tell them…
“Try waking up an average of more than once an hour for 15 years!

And for all that time never once sleeping through a night.
Waking.
Every.
Single.
Morning…
as tired or more so than you were when you got into bed.”

And I’m sorry for that Lord.
You didn’t get angry like that.
You said, “Father forgive them…”

Because of the lack of sleep…
thinking is harder.
Doing anything is harder.
And I don’t show it to anyone.
I pretend until I can be alone and give into it.

I think of this now because of not only this single station of the cross…but the three times You fell.

I know they’re ahead on this journey through The Stations of the Cross. I know how badly You must have wanted to make Your way down the Via Dolorosa, to make Your sacrifice, and I know You weren’t physically able to.

Why is it we only truly understand what we, ourselves, experience?
To know…to acknowledge…is not to understand.
Just like to know…to acknowledge…is not to believe.

I say I don’t share this with anyone…
But now, as I press “publish” I’ll share with hundreds, maybe more…
And so I don’t want to.

But You know what Lord?
I know You get this, because You’re God, and You get everything.
But more than that, I know You’ve experienced this too.

Just take the cross…

carry it downhill less than a mile…

and You fall…

Meditations on the third station of the cross | Jesus falls...

and You fall…

Meditations on the third station of the cross | Jesus falls...

and You fall…

Meditations on the third station of the cross | Jesus falls...
And I get that…I get that…
I…Get…That.

And I’m sorry You had to go through it.

I understand.

I thank You for understanding…and I’m really, really sorry.

And You know these tears are real…

And You know I understand.

And I know…You know…I understand.

A million gods to choose from…
and I’m fortunate enough…
that the only one of all those choices…

the only God able to actually choose…

chose me…

to save me…

and I really love You. I really do.

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

kelli- AdventurezInChildRearing March 7, 2012 at 8:38 am

this is beautiful Craig – I’m so glad you are clinging to Jesus. I promise I’m not taking lightly what you are going through. I do get it to some extent – because I wake up most every hour on the hour for the last 10 years. Big hugs to you my friend. Thankfully- I do have some nights where I sleep- or at least get a 3-4 hour stretch. Sometimes- every couple of months- I’ll fall out by 4 in the afternoon & not wake again until the next day- because my body just gives out. I have a husband who is kind and good, and little boys who are gentle and protective. I also believe God is going to heal me. I will continue to believe it. Some days I want to give up – but there are the boys. I cannot give up – God has work for me to do. God has work for you to do. Thank you for sharing. I’ll be praying for you- really. (probably in the middle of the night)

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Craig March 7, 2012 at 10:59 am

Kelli – it seems as if you and I have much the same sleep pattern – except sometimes I wake up every 10 minutes all night long – and I’m waiting for that day where I fall asleep before 4 and don’t get up until the next day. But you are brave! And I have admiration for your boys, and your husband. And I know about wanting to give up. But one foot in front of the other. No? I have reached the point where I just consider this my thorn in the flesh – and if our Lord takes it – good – if he doesn’t – then at least I know the decision is in good hands. God really does have work for you to do – me? Maybe. But YOU – definitely. I knew there was something special about you when I met you – now I know more of what it is. Big hugs to you to my friend – and God bless and keep you and all of yours!

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Martha Orlando March 7, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I read both heart-rending posts today, Craig. Please know I am praying for you, my friend.
And, yes, God has chosen you!
May He bless and heal you.

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Craig March 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Martha, this is not at all what I was going to write today – I just started talking with our Lord – and this is what came out. I’m glad he’s chosen you too!! healing may or may not come – it’s my thorn – if he takes it I’ll praise him – if he leaves it praise him too. God bless you Martha!

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Christina March 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I hold tightly to the fact that Jesus is familiar with our suffering. That He felt all the pain and sorrow. And He did it for us. I thank you for being vulnerable to share your own weakness and pain.the fact that you cling to Him is a testament of His faithful and ongoing work in you. And an encouragement for me.

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Craig March 7, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I wrote a post a while back about how when you’re empathetic you feel someone else’s pain – that you literally FEEL it – like a mama does when her babies are hurting. God is love – there is no one more compassionate – more empathetic that our Lord. So even if he didn’t physically or emotionally feel every hurt and pain that we have had – of everyone collectively – in the entire history of the planet – which was kind of impossible during 33 years – being eternal LOVE – and empathy springing FROM love – he has eternally felt every pain – every burden – of every person who believes in him. That’s a lot! I didn’t mean to share any weaknesses today – I just started talking to God – and this is what came out. Thank you Christina, and God bless and keep you!

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Cora March 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Craig, do I dare say, I get it???? For several years now, I have been awake at night way more than asleep. I’ve tried all the medications, and I still stare at the dark ceiling, listen to Buster snoring away, and just run through a million and one thoughts. And when I do sleep, it is for very short periods of time, never more than an hour. Most of the time, it’s easier to just get up and do something, but the fog is so hard to get through. Sometimes, the tears the flow and I wonder why. It’s just soooo frustrating. I don’t talk about it either. The answers and comments only make it harder. Like, “Oh, when you get tired enough, you’ll sleep!” And so many other comments! So many that I’ve quit talking about sleeplessness.

There is comfort to know that He understands, and a privilege to know that we can understand Him in this way. And to be able to pray for others (like you and Kelli), makes me feel that I’m not alone in the early hours of the morning. I wonder how many of us gather at the Throne of Grace at that time when we think we are alone?????? I’m praying for you, my friend!

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Craig March 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

thank you Cora – I feel bad leaving a comment just a few words after your heartfelt comment – but I’m tired ツ

anyway, there’s kind of nothing to add – but just to say thank you – you know I’ve prayed for you too – just finished one right now actually – and everybody is still awake ツ

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Darnly March 7, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Craig, God is good….he answers our deepest prayers and needs. He answered mine 8 years ago because I told Him to please, ‘Pretty Please’ take me HOME. I was ready, I was exhausted, couldn’t move, couldn’t think, depressed, and I thought I was dying—I wanted to. But I also said, “God, if this is not the time for me to come Home, then please, HELP!!”
And He did. If you have been praying for a solution, I can tell you about ours, maybe it will be your too. email me. (I’m always asking God to show me His servants who need to feel better so they can be used even more in His Kingdom. It’s always His leading.)
Darnly

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Craig March 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I’ll get an e-mail off to you today Darnly – thank you – God bless you my friend.

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Elizabeth March 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Beautiful, heart wrenching too.

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Craig March 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Elizabeth, as I said in some of my other comments, I had no plans on writing this today at all – I just started talking to our Lord – and this is what came out – so what you do with that ? You blog it of course ツthank you Elizabeth, and God bless and keep you!

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shannon March 7, 2012 at 10:44 pm

thank you for letting us into you prayer time. Praying for precious sleep for you tonight.

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Craig March 8, 2012 at 6:25 am

Shanon, I was talking about this with some of my friends the other day and I realized that never being married, while it makes me sad sometimes, it leaves me in this “married” state with God. And when I don’t have conversation opportunities with a bride, and children, it leaves time for all sorts of conversation with our Lord. I talk with him all the time. That wouldn’t be so easy if I had all the responsibilities – like you do – and all the conversation bombarding me – like you do – like all moms do. in a way I kind of don’t consider this prayer – this is just my talking with him – but I guess that’s what prayer is – and I didn’t mean to write this today – but it just kind of came out during our conversation. Anyway, thank you. And sleep? I’ve just learned to accept it as my thorn. Doctors for 15 years haven’t found any “cure” but it’s leveled off – there was a time that it included hallucinations and severe memory loss and uber bad health – it’s not that bad anymore – it’s just kind of regular really bad, instead of really horribly terribly “need to lock him away” kind of bad (◕‿◕). Thank you, God bless you Shannon.

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Layla Payton March 8, 2012 at 1:02 am

It annoys me to no end when people whine about being on a diet, or a “cleanse.” Why? Because they are FEASTING compared to what I am eating. And then I remember those babies in Korah. The ones who dig through trash, just thankful to find SOMETHING…anything to eat.

And it puts me back into my place.

But, friend, it’s so hard to share this kind of thing. I’ve considered making it the topic of my next post, because I’ve had requests for it (elaborating on my illness).

I have a thousand excuses as to why I’ve not written it. You wrote a lot of them, and it encouraged me, because it reminded me that I’m not alone.

And I so very often feel alone. And afraid. (Especially when doctors use the phrase, “You’ll be dead by then.” More on that later.)

But I never lose my Peace.

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Craig March 8, 2012 at 6:38 am

you, my friend, are also far better person than me. The whole, “think about how bad it is for others” thing has never worked with me – from the time my mom told it to me as a child to now. I get grumbly sometimes about nobody getting this because it’s kind of an invisible thing – kind of like yours – you don’t look ill (although I remember those “ill” pictures of yours – always will (◔‿◔) – you just can’t swallow food that’s all – no big deal, right? Like you can’t live without proper rest very well, you certainly can’t live without proper food very well, and I get it really, really well Layla.- and you’re still a great mom, and a lovely bride for your husband, I have such great respect for you my friend. I kind of have to write about this because it is so invisible – and as a man, not being able to work a regular job, I know it sounds sexist, but a job is where men tend to find their identity, their self-worth, women are more relational, men are more – well – not. You know? Anyway, it’s part of me, my faith defines me, this sleep thing defines me, it’s just part of me – it’s my thorn. As I said to others in the comments, I didn’t mean to write about this today – I was just talking with God and this is what came out. I don’t like blogging about it because it sounds like I’m whining. But last year when I named the year “connect” I decided no more masks – just me – just honesty. Anyway, I’ve blabbed enough. Have I mentioned my fingers hurt really bad when I type too much. Another story… another day… God bless you my friend – you really are kind of – a hero to me.

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Layla Payton March 9, 2012 at 1:05 am

Craig, I also struggle with an auto-immune thyroid disease, which has ramped up my metabolism. Nearly two weeks ago, I was 103.4 lbs (I’m 5′ 6″). I think that’s what scared my doc so much. So, not only can I not eat a wide variety of foods, I no longer retain the calories, and it really scares me. But my doctors are working on it, and I see an endocrinologist in April (pray it’s earlier, I’m on the cancelation list). I’m just shedding a little light on what’s going on. Sorry if it sounds complainy.

I’m sorry your fingers hurt. I know it takes all you have to write these responses (I don’t know of any other blogger who does that!), and it makes your replies absolutely precious. You are a precious friend to us all.

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Layla Payton March 9, 2012 at 1:14 am

LOL @ “ill” pictures.

Craig, I got what you meant about men and their jobs. I have a house full of men. I can’t imagine how much that must bother you. But, for what it’s worth, you are a man among men. Not very many have braved the territories that you have, and mastered the art of “heart” so well. You’re an encouragement, my friend! :)

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kelli- AdventurezInChildRearing March 8, 2012 at 7:41 pm

you both inspire me to “just keep swimming” (Nemo anyone?) It’s been a rough couple of weeks and it’s getting to me- but I’m renewed and refreshed because I had to dig in – thank you for your honesty – I often hide behind my cute kid pictures because I think people would so much rather see that than hear that I couldn’t get up today until 3 pm or that we homeschooled in bed at 2 in the afternoon – I’d much rather show the chipper – “Hey look – we made bread” posts. It’s not even that I want to hide- I desperately want people to understand – but I guess that I survive the “stuck in bed” part and like to focus on the cool art project we managed to make or especially if I manage a nature walk! Those things make me happy – so that is what I usually write about. But, it was good, really good for me to read your post and to share these things with you – and Layla – I look forward to “knowing” you better – y’all are awesome. Thank you! (craig don’t respond if you’re too tired or your fingers hurt – I know ya hear me)

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Layla Payton March 9, 2012 at 1:11 am

Kelli, now I know where I’ve seen you before! LOL I was honored to have you stop by the Carpenter’s Shop. I have a homeschool blog at: http://www.flattiredhomeschool.blogspot.com. (Shameless plug.) I’d love to get to know you more as well. I’ve been neglecting my blogs these past few weeks. We moved and my health took a major hit. Plus, well…homeschooling…need I say more? 😉 I hope to be posting again soon. It’s just been a tricky time.

And, OHHHHHHH, girl! Do I understand the “stuck in bed” part! When I do finally fall asleep, I’d better not get messed with until I wake up on my own. LOL Praise the Lord for flexible school hours!

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