In which there’s s swan…a song…a wave…a river

by Craig on April 3, 2012

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I need some happy.
I’ve been struggling lately…
faith, health, hope, sleep…
relationships close and distant…
disappointment, betrayal, abandonment, failure.

The odds are long…
the terrain foreboding…
but I’m fighting.
I’m fighting hard.
Really I am.

There are words to a song I heart by Margaret Becker:

I’m not gonna write
About the way things have been
‘Cause lately they haven’t been so great
I keep falling down
I keep giving in
I’m scared this is my fate
If this is all that life would be
If this is all there was for me
I would not go on

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I’m not gonna lie
About feeling fine
And knowing everything’s okay
I just gotta believe
That His hope inside
Will lead me to a better place
With every tear that I cry
I cling to the hope that will not die
He won’t leave me here

I will not lay down
This won’t be my end
I will not lay down

I’m leaning heavy on my Eternal crutch. I’m grasping at the rope of faith as fervently as if slipping down a vertical cliff. And as much as it beckons me from the shadows…

I will. not. give. up.

By the way…

if you are feeling a little “give-up-ish” – don’t.

Lean heavy.

Grasp fervently.

It may be barren…

dry…

but we have roots…

deep…

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I can’t beat the thorn in my side…
and it is beating me relentlessly.

I may lose everything.
I may gain nothing.

But this flame in me will never die.

Whoa. That was heavy. No?

Sorry…

just kinda leaked out…

So…

I know that the NCAA championship game was played last night. It’s March Madness that I was basing my Scripture brackets on.

I set up the seedings here.
I determined the tournament locations here.
The tourney highlights are here, here, here, and here.

Anyway…

the NCAA tournament has gone by quicker than my posts.
And I was gonna rush to catch up.

But…

I heart what the picking of these verses, and their seeding, and their little one on one battles against each other are doing to me. There really is more than magic in these words of faith.

I need some “more than magic”.

I need more faith.

Thinking and writing about this is bringing both…
and also releasing tears…and supplying some happy…
and I think I’d heart some happy pastels dropped from the gray…and onto the parched earth.

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I need happy.

I heart happy.

So I’m not going to rush my way through…

I’m going to think, and meditate my way through my Bible Brackets…and let God be God.

I tweeted this the other day, and I’m going to follow the sage advice of this great thinker…

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” (Winnie the Pooh)

And thank you Martha for letting me know via your comment that it’s ok to throw the schedule out.

I’m following, not only the bear’s advice…

but yours.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Shannon April 3, 2012 at 9:57 am

“Leaning heavy” loving it!

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Craig April 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm

everybody, EVERYBODY leans on something, or someone – “no man is an island” right? you and I are both fortunate enough to have such a sturdy crutch – and so WHAT we use God as a crutch – he’s not such a bad one. Thank you Shannon, and God bless you.

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Marlo T Wells April 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

…it’s a commendable strength…to be able to proclaim through wisphered tears… our needs… and to trustingly place ourselves… in the hands of the ONE… Who longs to be looked to… and lovingly wipe… EACH…INDIVIDUAL…tear from our eyes.

If the tears are preciously valued and stored…how much more so… you…my brother…

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Craig April 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Marlo, first of all, I hope you don’t develop the addiction to the elipses that I clearly have. Grammarians would most likely hate reading my stuff. But then, they don’t like emoticons either ツ I’m not nearly as strong as I should be – and I don’t say thank you often enough – and I’m really, REALLY glad that He not only stores are tears – but that he shares them. God bless you my sister ツ

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Martha Orlando April 3, 2012 at 2:15 pm

You are leaning on the right thing, Craig! I am so sorry for your continued struggles and will continue to keep you in prayer. Know that even through your trials, your “thorn in the side”, your wit and wisdom continue to shine through. You are such a blessing!
And, I’m so grateful my words of advice touched your heart. I heart being in company with Pooh Bear. :)
Blessings to you, my friend!

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Craig April 4, 2012 at 3:48 pm

It’s only a thorn Martha. And really, thank you for your kind words – AND those words of advice – you and Winnie the Pooh. Blessings to you too my friend!

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Katie April 4, 2012 at 1:49 am

I do just want to give up…. I am just so angry and hurt and scared. I doubt and question a lot right now. I am leaning though….. by telling Him and yelling at Him and by questioning Him. Even when I am giving Him the silent treatment, He does NOT give me the silent treatment. Thank you for your honest heart in sharing.

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Craig April 4, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I know Katie… I know. But giving up only leads us right where we are – or worse. Even though sometimes NOT giving up digs our hole even deeper – we just have to believe that our Lord has a long, long rope – and he doesn’t get tired of pulling. I think he hearts when we lean on him – he even hearts when we yell at him, and question him, and he misses us when we give him the silent treatment, but he waits. You’re still in my prayers my friend, I just finished one.

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A. April 4, 2012 at 10:16 am

The nature of the dark, hard times is such a puzzle to me at times. I have had them for days or months, and now, I am on a wave that has lasted for about four years. One man I read about had a spiritual darkness that lasted for five years. His was several centuries ago. He sort of learned to hunker down in it and accept it and ‘trust’ in it. That is a very, very hard and tiring thing to do. I am finding, in mine, that each time I get discouraged, if I just face Him, mentally and spiritually, He is letting me grasp His goodness and His hope and to be temporarily relieved from the ongoing pain of multiple ongoing rejections that came as such a surprise and stunning shock, as well as being relieved from the abject pain of darkness. It is as though I literally have to turn my ‘back’ to the sad, hard, dark things, and face Him. And I didn’t always know this. It has only recently been a saving relief to me. And even that puzzles me. Why couldn’t I have known this before or discovered how it works for me before? I think I even read of it and ‘knew it was out there’ before. And, even knowing it, I know that someone reading this may still have to do their own learning from God, their own way and His own way for them. It is all a puzzle.

I don’t know when the end will happen…when the sunshine will come to stay. I was encouraged by Caddo’s statement a day or so ago in this regard on one of your blogs, Craig.

I am praying for you, too, Katie, because even though I don’t know what your circumstances are, I know what deep darkness and overwhelming circumstances feel like. So, I send you hugs and I pray soberly for you and entreat our Father on you behalf, and for Craig, too.

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Craig April 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I get it A. Really I do. Not much to say – just that I get it – that’s all. You know that I have prayed for you – and will continue – you ARE a treasure.

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Katie April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Thank you.

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