In which there is handwriting on the wall

by Craig on May 5, 2012

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I was a darn new baby Christian.
It was an evening worship service.

I was investigating my new faith, even though not quite all the way out of the egg. And I didn’t realize that I was approaching faith, not the way it was meant to be approached, but instead, the way I had learned to get through life…

alone.

I even said my prayer inviting our Lord into my life…alone…in a parking lot.

The path I chose was so wrong…
but I didn’t know there was a better one…
and “alone” never asks “together” for answers.

I left the sanctuary from that night’s service because “believing” seemed so easy and natural for everyone else – but not for me.

So I plodded down to the basement, through a lit hallway, into a dark classroom.

In my head…questions.

“I have too many doubts – can they possibly all be answered?”
“Is God even real?”
“Why is it so easy for everybody else to believe – and so hard for me?”

There was enough light from the hallway to see around the room, and read what was written on the board.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding”.

(Prov 3:5)

I entered the room thinking, thinking, thinking…

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…poking Swiss cheese holes in my faith.

And there on the board was advice, and it seemed as if it were written just for my questioning heart…by God.

How could I know at the time, that in time, every doubt that I would ever have concerning the existence of God, of which I have had so many, would all be answered?

The writing on the board told me to trust more in the Creator of my brain…then in my brain.

There was peace in those words.

And I had to heart the timing.

Although, back then I didn’t know “heart” was a verb. ツ

Anyway…

the little bitty 3 pound brain I have, I knew and know, has made and constantly makes mistakes…

And I thought…

”Maybe God doesn’t. Maybe God is more reliable then my thoughts?”

So I asked, “I should throw away my thinking?”

And the impression I received was,

“No, think deeply…
but give your heart to Me…
and bring your doubts here…

faith is greater than your doubts.”

And in the Best Bible Verse Ever Tournament, this verse is the #2 seed in the East Regional.

Next up, its opponent…

The #15 seed…

And it has a story too…

Please come back.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Cora May 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

This is so beautiful, Craig! And so timely for me, too. I guess I’m one of those irritating “easy-to-believe” people. I don’t know what it would take for me NOT to believe. In fact, I don’t think I ever did not believe. Some think that is a such a blessing and gift. It is in some ways. But I found it very hard as a 10 year old to find where the line was that needed to be crossed. To step over from what had been pounded into my head all my life into a relationship, a heart change, a seeing of me as the sinner and Him as my Savior. I struggled long and hard with doubts —- not about HIM, but about ME and did all that actually happen or was it all still just in my head. It has made me want to grab every.single.one of the 10 year olds who have grown up in church and shake them and ask them, “Do you REALLY know it in your heart?” Your struggles are precious to me, Craig. And even more so to Him. How wonderful to have that verse on the wall. Yes, I believe it was from Him.

Add to this, the fact I am dealing with a gal right now who believes but doubts. To think that we can bring our doubts to Him. . . . that is just amazing to me. It took me forever to find that out. I think I thought I had to hide doubts (as if we can even hide anything from God!). Kind of like that song, “Better than Halaleujah.” — He’d rather hear what’s really in our hearts rather than some fake praise. I just find your testimony the most refreshing, Craig. Thank you!

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Craig May 9, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I’ve always known that you were one of those “irritating believers”. ¬¬ツ I cried and cried to our Lord at the beginning of my faith because it just seemed so unfair that so many people just believed – and I had to scratch and claw. But what a base you have for your faith – to always know that he is God – then just figure your place in it all. It is so funny – my struggle is always been to KNOW that he is God – my place in it all was easy to see. I guess there are all sorts of varieties of doubt – yours and mine are kind of mirror varieties. Thank you Cora, as always, thank you, you are a treasure my friend. God bless!

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Sylvia May 6, 2012 at 9:17 am

Does this ever resonate with me! This is how I came to faith, too. In fact, so great were my doubts even at that starting moment, my earnest, yearning “sinner’s prayer” was, “I believe, help Thou my unbelief!” (And I’ve probably prayed it thousands of times since.) The phenomenal way He’s answered this prayer, time after time, is… unbelievable!

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Craig May 9, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Sylvia, your sinners prayer was just like mine – I call mine the “if” salvation prayer – it literally began with, “if you are God…” I wrote a post about it way back in my first month of blogging – 15 months ago. And I know that verse you quoted – and I’ve said it just about as many times. Kindred faith spirits we are. God bless and keep you my sister.

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Martha Orlando May 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Oh, Craig, you touched a spot deep in my heart. I, like you, struggled with my doubts, alone, worried that if I voiced them, other Christians would not understand. It took me many years of growing in the faith to finally accept that God is in charge. Totally and completely in charge.
It is when I finally surrendered my all and all to Him.
Oh, happy day!
When we see, at last, His writing on the wall.
Blessings to you, my friend!

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Craig May 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm

it makes you wonder why we don’t talk as much about doubt in our churches as we do belief. Of course, faith is the thing, but we all doubt something, and we need a place to voice those doubts without worrying, like you did, that the other Christians wouldn’t understand. I get it Martha, I really do, and I am so glad we both believe. God bless and keep you my friend.

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A. May 7, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Craig, I really appreciate this. Your sharing your own ‘Trail of Doubts’ is shining light on some of mine and how one can approach them. The insight to trust Him without abandoning our brain is a helpful one. So many times when I have had questions about God or life or scripture, I have had to just place the questions on the back burner and wait for an answer. I trusted the scripture was right but that I somehow didn’t understand it. So, I would not act on what it appeared to say but which may have seemed unlikely somehow. Rather, I just waited for more clarity.

Recently I got what I think is a stunning answer or clarity on a question I have had for years. I heart when that happens. I am glad I didn’t force the issue, however, also. I learned or am learning from that to avoid trying to force another to have my understanding of something. That is a more difficult lesson for me.

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Craig May 9, 2012 at 3:31 pm

for some reason A, I really don’t have much to say about your comment, just that I smiled as I read it, and I understood, and I’m really glad I know you.

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Katie May 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

“No, think deeply…
but give your heart to Me…
and bring your doubts here…

faith is greater than your doubts.”

It is greater than all our doubts. I am so grateful for HIM being greater and meeting us where we are at.

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Craig May 14, 2012 at 5:30 pm

First of all, I’m sorry I’m so late replying to your comment. There are always excuses, this one is that the doctors have me trying a new medication for the sleep and so far it’s making my mind really mushy – mushier than the lack of sleep usually make it. So focusing is harder than it normally is. That means writing goes slower – and answering comment is writing. Just wanted to say sorry.

second, I’m right with you – SO grateful that God is greater – that faith is greater – that love is greater – and as great as God is – he meets us where we are. Perfectly said Katie. God bless and keep you my friend.

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