In which…a message…

by Craig on June 13, 2012

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I am having the hardest time finding my way back.

Read about the no sleep from Deep into Love yesterday – it’ll explain a bit.And my last sleep deprived post from here – just down below. Stuff has happened – IS happening.

Oh why did I name this year “see”? The things I have seen…

The thing about a solid week with no sleep is the reality switch.

The things that happened in the hallucinations caused by it aren’t like dreams. Dreams fade. They go away. I think it’s because dreams pop into your head, in your subconscious and stay there for seconds maybe minutes, no matter how long they seem,

I don’t like the word hallucination – but when you go without sleep 170 hours it’s what happens. I don’t know why. And they were horrific – so many beginning beautiful and turning horrible. Some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced and some of the most unbearable.

And unlike dreams they don’t fade.

I remember every detail.

I think it’s because the non-sleep hallucinations happened in “real time”. They happened in my conscious mind. They weren’t pop ins for seconds or minutes, but for hours and days.

I experience lifetimes in them, and war, catastrophe. murder, being irretrievably lost, losing irretrievably the most important things and people. It’s not in my subconscious – it’s in my conscious. And the demons from the dreams – they may even have been real – or not – it doesn’t matter because it’s all real. None of it was a dream.

I can’t quite find my way back yet.

My feet and mind and spirit are here.

But what was “there” is also here.

It’s all tangled.

If I wasn’t poor I’d have some top notch psychologists working on it.

Right now it’s just me, and God, and these words, and thoughts and you guys.

I’m not back yet, but I’ll be here, and on Deep into love alternating days.

Do you mind working through this with me?

I can’t have where I have been keep drilling it’s way into the now.

I’ll get the other side.

But the gravity is so strong and the memories can’t be erased.

You guys, in the hallucinations I found or repeated the greatest joys of my life – and worse than the greatest heartaches. There was killing, and disaster, and terror and love and it wasn’t a dream. And it’s not going away.

I just wanted to let you know – and to know from you if it’s ok that I talk – or write – it through – here – with you.

Don’t go away. Forgive my typos and lack of general blog posty artistry.

more later.

thanks you guys.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Cora June 13, 2012 at 11:45 am

Isn’t that what the body of Christ is all about, Craig? Being there, being supportive, edifying, building up the saints, etc. If we, as fellow Christians and brothers and sisters in Christ, can’t be there when you need us most, then what’s the use of us being here at all??!!!
You have ministered to us so faithfully, and if we can just sit — even if silent — and be there to hold you up, then I’m in. The bloggy world is funny. Some think it all has to be ultra spiritual, all sunny, all victories and won battles. Some are all dark, depressing holes. But when we are real, and share our rips and tears and patched places and how we got them, it’s only then that we can be ministered to, prayed for corrctly, and help up in love. Some may drop away, some may read and pray for you, but not know what to say right now, others will wrap you up in comfort and love and walk you through, and of course, others will be critical.
But in the end, open, honest, and sharing will be best for you, and ultimately best for us, too. So go for it. Dump the pieces and we will all do our best to get them organized and put back together! Always praying for you, Craig!

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Craig June 25, 2012 at 11:06 am

Cora, many DID drop away. But some – friends – they have remained. I consider you a friend. God bless and keep you – my friend.

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Layla Payton July 2, 2012 at 11:50 pm

What Cora said.

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nancy June 13, 2012 at 11:49 am

YES! yes please write, please share – keep going, do what you need, and we’ll be here for you. Like Cora says, this is what the body of Christ is about. praying for you, my Friend.

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Craig June 25, 2012 at 11:08 am

Nancy, the writing has been sporadic, but I think that part of me is back now – so I’ll be writing regularly again – a little more about this – and soon about other things. Writing is easier knowing people like you are reading. So, thank you my friend, thank you for your prayers, thank you for your time, just thank you – and God bless and keep you.

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Katie June 13, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Thank you for honoring us with your pain and turmoil. Thank you for sharing the hard times. Being real is ALWAYS the best choice. Thank you for always ministering to us with your blogs, now we know how to pray for you.

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Dawn June 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

Cora is so right “some of us just don’t know what to say”. Medically, this sounds like psychosis; theologically, it sounds like the torment of demon oppression, and in the literature you are deemed mad. None of these is positive from my perspective.

I didn’t see your thumbnail over at Ann’s and I knew things may be bad. I think it may do you well to go to the local mental health facility before you slip away that you cannot reach out. This earthly frame is so fragile. I am praying for someone to come alongside you. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder changes the DNA. If that is what you are dealing with, you may need major help.

Dawn

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Martha Orlando June 14, 2012 at 11:22 am

We are all here for you, Craig, to listen and to pray and to support in any way we possibly can. I must say here that I agree with Cora’s advice to see a mental health specialist before things get any worse. We love you so much and want only the best for you.
Know I am praying . . .

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Sylvia June 14, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Yes, talk-write. I have no answers because I’ve only had lesser insomnia which I don’t really have any more, and that’s not the same thing. But even that’s no fun! I know sleep deprivation is used purposely as a form of torture and/or mind control, so it’s going to have tangible effects. And I know it has to be like… no, not *like*… it has to be torture to go through. Not easy to differentiate cause and effect sometimes. There could be a physical cause of the sleeplessness, leading to the others. How can we know? I, too, have been praying for God to bring the right person alongside you, and just what that might mean, leave to Him. Now praying for His wisdom and guidance for you, even though it may seem to you that you couldn’t have any in your state. His strength is made perfect in weakness…

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Sylvia June 14, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Wanted to add this: A possibility no one has mentioned is that you’re still having a reaction to the last medication you were given. I got a horrible reaction once from just a strong antibiotic I stopped taking after one day, and some of the effects didn’t happen until a couple weeks later. Can’t remember them all, but they included awful nightmares, vertigo, visual disturbance, neuropathy, a whole bunch of stuff. If I remember correctly, this terrible episode you’ve been going through began with a bad reaction to a med the dr tried. I would let said dr know this has been going on this long, and ask about side-effects others may have reported. Just another angle…

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Craig June 25, 2012 at 11:04 am

Sylvia, thank you for thinking about this enough to suggest something. It’s been weeks now – I’m climbing out of the rabbit hole still – but I’ll get there. I’m quite used to not getting sleep – but to go seven days without it – that is a new thing – and hopefully a one time thing. I think this is just one of those random “sleep” things – part of the thorn. Still not there yet – but I’ll get there. Thank you Sylvia. Sorry for replying so late – it’s been a tricky time. God bless and keep you

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Layla Payton July 2, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Have you not contacted your doctor? PLEASE DO!!!

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Layla Payton July 2, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Craig, this…this is just not okay. I’m not okay with you hurting like this. :( I want to say something beautifully eloquent, but all I have is this: You are loved by so many. Many, including me, will be praying. Sleep will come. I’m going to ask our Daddy to lull you into beautiful sleep.

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A. July 4, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Craig, I have been away helping others who don’t have internet access for me, so I am catching up here, and I am very concerned, also. I am praying for provision and miracles for you because you have huge need. Hugs and prayers, Brother!

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