In which the ascent from the descent is dodgy

by Craig on June 17, 2012

170 hours with no sleep... I slipped fast...away...source

170 hours with no sleep…

I slipped fast…away.

Some of you have advised seeing a professional…
Which I get, because those 170 hours…
well…

I think for three or four days, I was insane.

…driven from among humanity… (DAN 4:32)

That sounds a very strange thing to admit in public.

And the hallucinations are still chasing hot, like a rabid animal.

So…on Tuesday I have an appointment.

And thank you for your prayers. I want only a few things though right now, the desire to keep moving in the direction of God, His plan, His will. The gravity is so strong in the other direction.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (ROM 7:15)

Where I was follows me like a desperate beggar demanding me to pony up.
And I keep going back, and I keep spending so much of the nothing I have.

And in many ways, going back has a too colorful…too alluring quality to it.

170 hours with no sleep...the hallucinations still beckon...source

And you know me…I tend to isolate as a first defense.

Let us not give up meeting together… (HEB 10:25)

I’ve already done that…can’t keep doing it.

I’ve said it before…
this juncture of life…
it’s equidistant from disaster…
or miracle.

In the year plus that I’ve been blogging I’m hard pressed to find something that has gone right.

Disappointed and injured by people I admired…

of course the storm…

always the no sleep…

spiritual darkness…

rumor and innuendo…

and now those 170 hours that won’t. let. go.

How can I explain how, in those hours, I lived lifetimes of love and hate, life and death, joy and terror? I want to go back to the love. I want to go back to the bravery I displayed in the face of death, and I want to forget the one most horrible thing that happened.

And I know…
it didn’t happen…
but it did. You know?

Dreams fade away, apparently hallucinations don’t.

I can’t move forward, a thousand dark, bony, and greedy hands are holding me still.

With no sleep, a thousand dark, bony, and greedy hands hold me still.source

…patience was worn out by the journey… (NUM 21:4)

I need to write about this more. If I’m not blogging every day, someone yell at me in the comments. I need to keep moving forward. I need not to isolate.

I need living the “now” – more than ever.

I need to stay one with our One God.

And should I share the hallucinations with you?

I don’t mind sharing. I just don’t want everyone running off all at once…

If you don’t know of this journey, please follow these no sleep links…

Scribbly thank yous after 56 no sleep hours

Gathering darkness after 80 no sleep hours

Only words, and not good ones after 150 hours of no sleep

The aftermath after the 170 hours of no sleep

Resisting no sleep gravity

The no sleep white rabbit

 

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Michelle June 18, 2012 at 4:51 am

I am glad you are seeing someone on Tuesday – I will be praying (though my Wed is your Tues, kinda).
Also, glad that you can “see” that you isolate and you “see” that you shouldn’t. Will be happy to yell in the comments at you if you are not here with us. :)
And the hallucinations, will be praying that the enemy will *not* be able to use them, that they will fade away and truth will shine through clearly. And I am glad that you know Scripture, that cannot be taken away; that it is in your mind, and on the written page if the mind is not playing the game. Praying peace, strength, rest.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Michelle, thank you – I’m not sure what a psychiatrist can do for me – but so much of this battle is in my head – so – we’ll see. Baby steps – I still can’t quite want as much to be “here” as “there” – I’m trying – and I’ll there. A big step is going back and replying to comments. Thank you for being here. God bless and keep you.

Reply

nancy June 18, 2012 at 6:55 am

Craig, i have absolutely no idea what you’re going through, but God does. so glad you’re clinging to Him. i do know isolation and also know that’s not the answer. still praying for you, my Friend.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Nancy, if I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t have a clue either – and I would never have guessed that unreality could stay with you so long. I would’ve thought it would be over – and then you just go back to living – it’s not that easy. Thank you for your prayers – thank you for being here. God bless you.

Reply

Martha Orlando June 18, 2012 at 11:17 am

I am so relieved to know you will be seeing someone about this immense problem this week! Know that I’m keeping you in prayer, dear Craig.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:21 pm

(◠‿◠)

Reply

Dawn June 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

What time on Tuesday? I want my prayers to be right on top of this one!

Dawn

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:23 pm

sorry I’m late Dawn, Tuesday has come and gone. Your prayers are on top of it anyway – it was your suggestion that prompted the appointment. What I went through – it was psychosis – four days of literally being “crazy”. And it’s not quite gone. God bless you Dawn.

Reply

Dawn June 21, 2012 at 4:56 pm

It sounded like psychosis. I am no mental health expert, but many pregnant women with psychoses have to be off their anti-psychotic meds while they are pregnant. That is when I see them, during pregnancy, so I am familiar with the hallucinations that come to them. I am so glad you wrote about what you were experiencing so we who read you could suggest AND I am so glad you took our suggestions.

I am praying for complete recovery,
Much love,
Dawn

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Reply

Layla Payton July 3, 2012 at 12:01 am
Katie June 18, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Craig,
I am so glad you are seeing someone. It has helped so much to talk to someone for me. Know I am continuing to pray for you. Also continue to remember you are NOT alone. Praying for you friend.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:24 pm

it is truly nice to know, that though I disappeared, people can still see me – thank you for seeing me Katie. God bless and keep you – and I’m not sure how much help a psychiatrist will be – we’ll see, we’ll see.

Reply

Layla Payton July 3, 2012 at 12:01 am

Craig, please share anything that you feel comfortable sharing. This is what friends do, they help you pick up the pieces…share the burden. And it’s an honor to do so. It helps us know how to pray. Talking things out helps me immensely. If it helps you, and I suspect it does, please don’t hesitate. If people are only coming here for cute stories…well,

that’s not real life. One of the things I love most about you is how REAL you are.

Keep it real, Craig. 😉

You are loved.

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 8 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: