In which are the 170 “no sleep” hours…and Psalm 3

by Craig on June 21, 2012

source

During those 170 hours of no sleep…
there was…some…sleep.

It arrived in five to ten minute snippets.

But it only made things worse.

Hallucinations aren’t too detailed, too ingenious.
Nightmares, when drifted in and out of…are.

Hallucinations added fuel to nightmares.
Nightmares buttressed the hallucinations.

It’s not nice to gang up.

How many are my foes, LORD!
How many rise against me! (PS 3:2)

And the nightmares/hallucinations…
every one ended in catastrophe…
but so many began with bliss.

And they were all marked by courage and strength.
Who doesn’t like being a hero?

source

No wonder my mind drifts back there so often.

But there’s another reason. It’s like when you break up with someone. It’s an event, then it’s over, but the emotions don’t go away. You reminisce. Your mind can’t go forward because it’s too busy going back.

I’ve been reading Alice in Wonderland…
It reads like a nightmare/hallucination.

The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th days of no sleep pushed me out of reality.

During those days I was literally insane.

Like Alice said:

“If you drink much from a bottle marked `poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.”

I’m in the “here and now”…
but there’s a strong tether…
drawing me to “nowhere and then.”

I’m finding that a psychiatrist is helpful.
Yet the way back from “not so wonderland”?

It’s God.

You, LORD, are a shield around me;
my glory, you keep my head high. (PS 3:4)

I know I’ve been prayed for.
I can feel the strength.

Thank you.

And there are no complaints really.
It’s all just part of the thorn in the side.

I’ll just be about piecing things back together.

source

I know this isn’t very uplifting.  I’m sorry. I’ve worked really hard at writing things that help. If I don’t step all the way back into reality soon, so much of that effort will evaporate, and I can’t have that.

Equidistant from disaster or miracle.
but I know from whom miracles come.

With my own voice I will call out to the LORD,
and he will answer me from his holy mountain.
I lie down and I fall asleep, I will wake up,
for the LORD sustains me. (PS 3:5,6)

Disaster I know well…
but miracles do happen.

Please don’t run away.

I can use a little company.

 

The journey through no sleep and back…

Scribbly thank yous after 56 no sleep hours

Gathering darkness after 80 no sleep hours

Only words, and not good ones after 150 hours of no sleep

The aftermath after the 170 hours of no sleep

Resisting no sleep gravity

The no sleep white rabbit

The dodgy ascent from the descent

No sleep thank you’s to God

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Sylvia June 21, 2012 at 10:40 am

Rejoicing with you in small (?) (maybe not so small!) victories.
Continued prayers. May God guide and shield.

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:12 pm

one step at a time – and this – replying to a comment for the first time in TOO long – that’s a step – there are more. Thank you Sylvia – thank you.

Reply

Martha Orlando June 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Here for you as always, my friend! Glad you can feel the prayers . . . God is good . . .
Blessings, Craig!

Reply

Craig June 21, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Martha, today is the first time in too long that I’m responding to comments – I haven’t been able to – getting there. And yes – I have felt the prayers. Thank you Martha, thank you. I’m not all the way back yet – I’ll get there. Although I suspect parts of me will never be the same.

Reply

Cora June 21, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I’m here, too, Craig. I know you will get there. Half the journey is knowing what’s going on, and you do. I think it’s really good that you are expressing it all here, putting some order to it, and standing back and looking at it objectively and . . . through Laska’s eyes. I’m sure HE could tell us some things, too, huh???!!!

You may not have seen Him during those awful times, but perhaps it was because He was carrying you, Craig. I’m sure you were very close to His heart — and still are. Trust in that. Rely on it. Cling to it. And know that I’m always praying for you.

Reply

Craig June 22, 2012 at 4:52 pm

He’s always there – we know that. Immortal – Invisible. No? And this cat – yeah – he is a little miracle – I don’t think he knew what he was doing – he was probably being what my mom’s nick-name for me was ……………………….Pain in the @#%$^#@

Trying really hard to get the wheels moving – just kinda can’t yet. Not because of lack of desire or effort. God bless!!

Reply

nancy June 22, 2012 at 6:48 am

Craig, so glad to read you this morning. Thank God you’re on your way back. Thank God you didn’t give up — apparently He won’t let you. And thank God for Laska – a very special love kitty. God bless you today.

Reply

Craig June 22, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I’m like the little train who thought he could right now. The mind is a powerful thing. Where I was just won’t let go. And thank God for the Love Kitty – although…and I’m not sure if I’ll share this nightmare / hallucination – he was involved in the worst one – the one that tugs the hardest – the most horrible one. Not sure if I can share that one. THank you Nancy – GOd bless.

Reply

Dawn June 22, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Dear Craig,

I have this picture of you having just been spit out of the belly of the great fish, covered in seaweed and all, right up onto the beaches of Nineveh. You don’t really want to go to Nineveh, but the “whale” thing is just too horrible to face again so you trudge forward. Keep trudging because me, Cora, Sylvia and a couple hundred others are waiting for you in Nineveh (in the center of God’s will). Get crackin’, Man. We need the Word!

hugs,
Dawn

Reply

Craig June 22, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Except the whale still has a hold of me – more like that boat captain in the movie Jaws – you know – when jawsy decided to com into the boat and have a snack – I KNOW you remember the scene. Who’d have thunk this would grab me as it has – well – you probably. But certainly not me. Grrrrrrr. None of it was real – yet…….well….you know. Thank you for hangin around Dawn – God bless.

Reply

Debbie June 23, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Thinking of you today and praying too. Craig . . .this is an encouraging and uplifting post. That you could even get to the computer and compose this, with Psalm 3 running throughout it is such evidence of Him. Asking for His constant care to nourish and nurture you, to bring you back out of this. God bless you.

Reply

Craig June 25, 2012 at 10:37 am

thank you Debbie. I AM on the other side of the 170 hours – but the effects are far-reaching – it’s one step at a time. God bless you my friend.

Reply

Katie June 24, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Craig,

Do not worry about always writing uplifting things. Being real and honest with your life is the best writing there is. Thank you for trusting us with it. I am glad talking to someone helps even just a little. God is your way through and way back from the nightmares. Continue to know HE is with you.

Reply

Craig June 25, 2012 at 10:39 am

Katie, I’ll talk to the “brain” people – because a lot of what is going on has been a “brain” thing. So I’ll go to the people who know. But you are so right – God is the way through and back from the nightmares / hallucinations. We’ll get there. Thank you Katie, and God bless and keep you.

Reply

Layla Payton July 2, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Oh, friend…

My heart hurts for you.

Praying…praying…praying.

Lord, please bring our dear friend a miracle.
Amen

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 5 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: