In which is battle…

by Craig on June 26, 2012

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I know none of it was real…
but it chases me still…
a predator after prey…
ferocious, furious, fierce.

The hallucinations still grasp at me…

sometimes with a velvet glove…
sometimes with voracious claws.

If you don’t know the details of the 170 hours of no sleep…these links tell some of the story so far…

Scribbly thank yous after 56 no sleep hours

Gathering darkness after 80 no sleep hours

Only words, and not good ones after 150 hours of no sleep

The aftermath after the 170 hours of no sleep

Resisting no sleep gravity

The no sleep white rabbit

The dodgy ascent from the descent

No sleep thank you’s to God

No sleep and Psalms 3

No sleep, down the rabbit hole, thank you’s to God.

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All the hallucinations were horrid – but some began beautifully.
I don’t want any of the horror of what was – but the beauty?

Life hasn’t been very beautiful, very happy…for decades.

But then, how much “happy” did God get when he lived a human lifetime?

Our Lord was…

a man of sorrows,
and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom people hide their faces.
He was despised, and we esteemed him not.
(IS 53:3)

God is always present, always good, always in everything.
I am always blessed, not because of circumstance, but because I’m his.

Yet to all who received him,
to those who believed in his name,
he gave the right to become children of God.
(JN 1:12)

That’s why I am, we are, always blessed.

So, no complaining about life being hard.

Life. Is. Hard.

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The world is broken.
We are broken.
It will all be fixed.
It’s already fixed…
we’re just ensnared in the broken for a while.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not driven to despair; (2 Cor 4:8)

I am the shatters of a mirror…
and I cling to this story;
it’s a beautiful story.

Please read it…
it will speak to your heart…
as it speaks to mine…

Because I know you.

Your heart?

It’s not much different than mine.

God pieces together the shatters after the storms of life.

 

The story is about this place...and how God shapes the shatters

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So…
here its the thing…
now is the time…
moving forward in the will of God…
finding my way out of this forest…

the battle is mine. I know.

But I also know 2 Chronicles 20:15…

Do not be afraid or discouraged…
for the battle is not yours, but God’s.

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

nancy June 27, 2012 at 8:31 am

Craig, yes my heart is not so different than yours. thank you so much for writing here. so much encouragement, which i pass on to others (thank you so much, i hope you don’t mind me repeating you to give others hope). thank you for sharing your journey. i have been complaining that life is hard and in the next breath giving thanks for how blessed i am. who am i that God would even notice me, much less love me so much that He wants to change me and grow me. and you – He is working in your life and in your heart. please never give up. God bless you today. thank you, thank you.

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 7:00 am

And Nancy, oh that I would need less work. Giving up cannot – will not happen. The brain is a delicate thing – bit by bit I am claiming pieces back.God bless and keep you my friend.

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Martha Orlando June 27, 2012 at 11:30 am

The story of the shattered mirrors certainly did speak to my heart. It truly is in our broken state that God can do so much for us and make us more beautiful than we ever thought possible. In the end, we will all be healed and whole.
Blessings to you, Craig!

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 7:04 am

Martha, that story is me 1000 times over – and more me every time I look at it. The story is us. I heart that story. And that palace! Tangible proof of the story. God bless you Martha, thank you for hanging in there with me. It’s good to have people in your corner.

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Dawn June 27, 2012 at 4:41 pm

This was worth the trip here today

It’s already fixed…
we’re just ensnared in the broken for a while.

there was a lot more, but that line was for me.

Praying the horrors will cease,
Dawn

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 7:08 am

ensnared in the broken – the horrors I think will never go away – those days are a part of me – the prayer I need is to keep my heart on target – to bounce back – to understand the damage – try to live with that damage – thank you Dawn, God bless!

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imperfect prose June 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm

your faith is inspiring, craig.

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 7:11 am

no Emily, I am of little faith, little faith, less than a mustard seed, our Lord does much with nothing. God bless you Emily.

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suzannah | the smitten word June 27, 2012 at 9:33 pm

this now-and-not-yet in which we tread is hard indeed. every day a battle, and glimpsed graces, too. blessings and light as your travel. valleys fill first.

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 7:21 am

Suzannah, thank you, poetic words – good for the heart. And “valleys filled first.” That I think is a needed thing for me to hear, I wonder if you could tell me a little more – it seems important. I think you need to get that. God bless you, and thank you.

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Michelle June 28, 2012 at 4:47 am

Glad I popped in today. Just to have the reminder that God is the one who sets the shattered pieces into a thing of beauty. Thank you.

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 10:51 am

Turns the shatters into shine. Always a good thing to know when shattered. Thank you Michelle, and God bless~

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Katie June 28, 2012 at 3:14 pm

God is the one who turns heartbreak to healing and beauty. Battles break us and our hearts, but God restores and helps us.

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 10:53 am

Heartbreaks to healing, broken to beautiful, garbage to gold – don’t know where I’d be without Him……….just. don’t. know. God bless you Katie!!

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tara pohlkotte June 28, 2012 at 3:57 pm

the picture of the opposing forces is so powerful. this journey is long. battle won.

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 10:56 am

I KNOW Tara !!!! Light against flame. Bright against dark. Flashing Lightning blue against the contrast of burnt black. Love that art. I’ve lived that art recently. And yes this journey IS long.(but also short – and always broken) – but the battle won. God bless!!!

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Dolly@Soulstops June 28, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Thank you, Craig, for clinging to God, and showing us how He holds onto you. Blessings :)

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Craig June 29, 2012 at 10:58 am

Dolly, thank you. Cling is a good word – this brain of ours, just this 3 pound electric glob of stuff, no sleep affects it so – and it affects everything – and although the doctors aren’t Christian – and would dismiss outright any mention of demons – this is a prime time to be lurking – the fences are down. So. I. Cling. thank you Dolly, God bless.

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