In which sorrow submerges joy | Remembering Sara

by Craig on September 20, 2012

 

gitzngirl-Sara Frankle-choose joy-choosejoy-death-dying-1 cor 13 love

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And I know, I know, I know…
that I’ll be able to choose joy again…
but as for right now…

I Can’t. Stop. Crying.

* I”m reversing the sands of time just a little.
It was last year that Sara’s sands stopped running…and began.

I don’t want to forget…
so it’s time to for me…
to remember what I wrote…

last year…

about the approach of Sara’s death…
and the inauguration of her forever life.*

These eyes have only been dry when they’ve been sleeping…
and yesterday morning I woke to a wet pillow…
and today is cloudy, and dreary, and bleak outside…
and reflects, like a motionless lake, what’s inside.

Inside is not joy.
Inside is pain, and sorrow…
and an inability to stop feeling the feelings.

Inside lies a broken sadness for you, Sara.

And I know, hope is there too.

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I know that joy is not the same as  “happy”.
Joy is different…it’s deeper…it’s higher…it’s better.

Somehow I think, Sara, that you are choosing joy…even as life slips away.

I’m disappointed because I can’t
because I’m weak…and I’m selfish.

I am clutching for it but it’s out of my reach.

I’ll honor you Sara. I promise I will. I’ll choose joy. But right now it’s all  a river – raging, and dark, and deep, and it’s rushing over the edge of the cliff, and crashing to the rocks below. It’s a flood of sorrow. It’s all sad. It’s all darkness.

I can’t. stop. crying.
I will. I promise I will.
But forgive me…now I’m unable.

I listen to you sing.
I read your words.
I pray constantly, constantly, constantly…
for more faith for you…
and peace…

and…

and yet I can’t grab a hold…of peace.

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My mind is so full of jumble and anger and sad that I can’t bring peace to me now.

Oh…and courage…

I’ve been praying for courage because you’re so brave…
but even the consummate hero always needs more courage.

And I’ve been praying Sara, for you to know the difference that you have made.

I’m sorry for being weak.

I’m sorry for not being able to stop the tears.

I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for not choosing joy right now.

But I will later Sara.

I promise.

I will…

later.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

jerly September 21, 2012 at 1:25 am

Moving. BUT dear, it is ok to grieve when it is time to grieve!Its ok to be sad! http://jerlyt.blogspot.in/2010/07/austerity-vs-equilibrium.html Do read this.

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Craig September 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Jerly, thank you – there is a time for laughter and the time for tears – a time for everything under the heavens. I was bitterly sad, uncontrollably sad as it was happening, and sad after Sara had left this earth – but now her death, and her life, is a reminder to me to choose joy in this life – and also that this life is NOT all there is. Thank you. God bless you. Choose joy!

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Martha Orlando September 21, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Even Jesus wept . . .
My friend, in remembering Sara, you honor her soul and her spirit. Beautiful, heartfelt thoughts in this post.
May God bless!

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Craig September 21, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Martha, one thing I thought of, often last year, was the way people always say” keep her alive in your memory” – as if that really kept people alive. It doesn’t! Memory doesn’t keep people alive – a place in history doesn’t keep somebody alive – only the ONE who is the only God keeps people alive – either here – or AFTER here. But yeah, I do want to remember her, I do want to honor her soul and spirit. These posts were pure, raw emotion as I wrote them – and now they are special reminders. God bless!! Choose Joy!!

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