My brain is a little broken.
My dance with other reality has cost me all my money, too much time, too much emotion, taken my focus off of close and personal connection with God – and others. It has been a siren I tried to escape early, but couldn’t.
Sirens wreck havoc.
During those 7 days with no sleep my brain broke.
My grasp on reality has been intermittent at best. The doctors have told me, maybe because I told them, that the broken parts of my brain would come back together.
It hasn’t happened yet.
I’ve been trapped.
Every hour has been a struggle to remain grounded in reality.
It’s a very hard thing to explain, this skirting the line between real and delusion.
There are parts of me that want to keep grounded in the real, but also parts that cry for the not real. But I have to keep fighting and grab hold of every bit of real that these hands can carry – or else I’ll slip away…
and there may not be a way back.
I’ve gone about a week since posting. It’s as long as I have gone since I began blogging, I haven’t been replying to comments – and I promise I’ll reply to each one. But this forest I’m in is dark and deep. It’s been a monumental struggle to post every day – alternating between here and the other Deep.
So I’ll fight harder, and find a way to keep trudging on.
My life lies in rubble. But you can build out of rubble. No?
I’ve done it many times.
And my posts starting tomorrow will happen again, even if they be short. And my reading of people I have grown to respect and care for – it’ll begin again too…even if it be a struggle.
So a few more Sara posts. Then whatever is in me will become phrases and pictures.
One word.
Sorry.
Another word.
Fight.
Last word.
God.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
How I’ve missed your posts this week, Craig. Know I am keeping you in my prayers for healing in mind, body, and spirit. I know our loving God will see you through . . .
Blessings, my friend!
Glad you “showed up.” God bless and keep you, strengthen and heal you.
You don’t need to reply to this. (One less thing on the to-do list.)
Craig, I knew you had to be fighting against strong currents. I am praying for you, and take a pass on responding to my comments. Start fresh…I know you are committed to responding to all comments, but sometimes, we have to give ourselves a break, and in so doing, we teach others by example that it is ok for them to do the same when they feel overwhelmed or swamped by life.
I’m with A . .please don’t take the energy to respond to comments right now, at least not mine. I want you to use the time and energy for you right now. Sorry to know that you are going through such brokenness. Praying that He restores you and brings back together all the pieces that He desires you to have. God bless you and cover you now.