My 100’s list

Here is more about me than even my family knows.

There’s puppy dogs and ice cream in it for you if you make it down to 100.

1. I have been crushed, and pieced back together by a God who never once delighted in the crushing, and who knows where every piece belongs.

2. I have a Masters Degree in Theological Studies from Covenant Seminary in St. Louis MO. It’s just letters after my name. I garnered a lot of head knowledge – the heart knowledge took more time and came without letters.

3. By practically every standard of wordly success – I am not one.

4. But God’s standards are different. It took a while, but I think he smiles now. I used to get a lot of the shaking of the head.

5. Every project always takes me twice as long as I think it will. You’d think by now I’d consider that when planning. Nope.

6. I used to think I knew everything – but everything turned out to be far more comprehensive than I originally thought.

7. I had a pet snail for a couple of days when I was 7ish. I stole him from a barrel outside a fish store in Brooklyn. He disappeared suddenly. I suspect he was someone’s snack – not namin’ names.

8. My body doesn’t sleep – even when it’s unconscious. I haven’t slept through the night for 13 years. Lots of doctors – apparently no cure. But everybody has their own cross to bear. It is what it is. No big.

9. The name of the cat who saved my life was Froofy. Froofy the Miracle Cat.

10. My faith is as strong as it is, because my doubt was as strong as it was.

11. I don’t take orders or ultimatums well.

12. I sold my old Ford Tempo to a man who said he really needed a car. He didn’t have the money. We wrote up a bill of sale, I gave him my title, and he promised (in the bill of sale) to pay over the next two months. He waved as he drove away.

13. You can guess how that story ended. Apparently anybody could. Strange how I was the only person who couldn’t.

14. I think that if someone doesn’t occasionally catch me seemingly talking to myself, when in fact I’m chatting with God, I’m not praying enough.

15. I’m the strangest mix of bravery and timidity.

16. I talk too much, and don’t listen enough, but I’m getting better. I’m sorry, did you say something?

17. I have never been married and sometimes I’m sad about it.

18. I think moms are truly magnificent. The more of them I read the more in awe I stand.

19. I think about everything, everywhere, all the time.

20. I heart chocolate milk, but the kind from Nestles Quick not the syrup stuff.

21. Favorite all time TV show – Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

22. I’ve played the penniless Sitar player opposite Nicole Kidman in the Movie Moulin rouge far, far, far too many times.

23. I don’t get lawn gnomes. Seriously, aren’t they kind of creepy?

24. I love seeing pictures of me, but shy away whenever I see a camera lens.

25. I heart Joan of Arc (she was slaying demons long before Buffy)

26. I have the culinary taste of an eight year old boy (in case you invite me over for dinner)

27. Spinach grosses me out, ditto broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, and most of the “adult” vegetables.

28. I never text, but I know enough texting to say, “PP 4COL STPP TXTM – JCM – IYKWIMAITYD, I h8 it. NUFF.” (If you need the translation – you can tweet me, email me, or text me – or maybe not that last one)

29. I love to eat a big plate of spaghetti – and keep eating and eating and eating until I start saying…must…finish…spaghetti (more fun if it’s with my sister)

30. My sister is more like me than she’d like to admit (although I kind of understand that).

31. My favorite movie of all time is Mulholland Drive, it’s deep, brooding, dark, and not very Christian – but reminds me to deal with internal monsters before they deal with you.

32. I cry every time Dorothy kisses the Scarecrow goodbye. I’m fine with the Lion, and the Tin Man – but oh, that goodbye to the Scarecrow.

33. I cry every time I watch It’s a Wonderful Life. You know, when they’re bringing in all the money at the end of the movie, and after helping so many, George Bailey finally gets helped.

34. I like looking at nature, like forests, and oceans – but don’t like being in nature, like forests and oceans.

35. I once, unknowingly, picked up a murderer who was hitch-hiking – yes a real murderer – three times a murderer.

36. He had gum on his shoe. I had printouts of things I was writing on the floor of the car. He apologized for the mess. He said, “But you’re a writer! I have something for you.” He reached in his backpack.

37. Yeah, this really happened. He handed me a cd. He told me that it explained the whole government conspiracy – the reason he was on the run.

38. I only found out he was wanted for murder because when I got home I clicked on the Fox News website. And there was his picture. I called my brother the cop. He told me to call the local police, and hand over the cd – and NOT to put it in my computer.

39. I half kiddingly bantered with the officer when he showed up, “You’re not part of the conspiracy are you?” He looked at me for a second, put on his sun glasses, and drove off. Now we’ll never know.

40. I try not to pick up murderers anymore.

41. I was told in 7th Grade by the queen bee of the school, not to let my hair hang down over my eyes because – wait for it…”Your eyes are your only good feature.” I didn’t get that it was an insult until ten years later.

42. I’m still waiting for that growth spurt my mom always said would happen. Genetics people! Genetics!

43. My mom bought me the story book “The Wait for me Kitten” because – well – I was always late.

44. It backfired. I identified with the cute little kitty, and how he always said, “Wait for meeeeeee! Wait for meeeeee!”

45. It’s a cautionary tale to parents about being too clever for your own good.

46. I like plain vanilla ice cream – so sue me.

47. The best thing I have ever done is make sure my mom knew the way to heaven.

48. The second best was taking care of my baby sister until I gave her away to her husband.

49. I don’t know how to belch – even fake belch.

50. I think one of the best things about God is that he is so big, creating and sustaining a universe and more – and gets small enough to care if I’m having a bad day.

51. And he’s big enough to do something about it.

52. I’ve been a handful for God. I kicked, and screamed, and moved when he said ‘still’, and froze when he said ‘move’, and ran away while demanding he keep his hands on me.

53. And he kept his hands on me.

54. Beds should make themselves. Honestly, it’s not that hard!

55. I like putting so much sugar on cereal that you can scrape big splotches of sweetness off the bottom of the bowl.

56. I love me some sugar.

57. When I have a stack of pancakes I cut a little hole in the middle and pour the syrup in. Then when I need more syrup, in it goes. The hole keeps enlarging as pancakes shrink. Makes my sister shake her head every time.

58. Confession: when I was 7 my mom sent me to the store, I heard a kitten hiding in an alley along the way. It was raining. He was hungry. I used the money to buy him a slice of pizza. He ate it voraciously and I stayed with him until he fell asleep.

59. I told my mom a bunch of kids stole the money. Sorry mom.

60. He wasn’t there the next day when I brought him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

61. Speaking of kittens, I got my first one in 3rd grade. My teacher had a kitten giveaway, all that was required was a note from our parents.

62. I forged the note, never once thinking about how I would explain said kitty until I arrived home that night – with two.adorable.kittens.

63. But I’m older now and think maybe I should’ve done it differently – maybe.

64. I voted for the first George Bush – you can start doing the math now.

65. I’ve never been tall. dark, or handsome.

66. Although graduating from Seminary I didn’t become a pastor. My gifts far exceeded my character. I now know that character is better than gifts.

67. My character finally caught up with the gifts – but then came the sleep thing.

68. In the 11 years between 2nd and 12th grade I went to 8 different schools. It was very confusedme – err – confusing.

69. As a child living in Brooklyn I couldn’t see stars at night. But I noticed that the concrete had sparkles in it. I thought it was nice of the city to put stars in the sidewalk.

70. I played trumpet in the school band, I wasn’t that good. It soon became clear to me that I would never be able to pass all the good trumpeters ahead of me.

71. Then I looked at the French Horn Section – only 4 of them – much better odds.

72. I finished my High School musical career as the 1st French Horn player. Top of the musical food chain. If you can’t beat the big fish – just try a smaller pond.

73. When I’m depressed I watch Anna Karenina – the poor thing. You keep on thinking, “It has to get better for her. It has to get better for her” but…

74. I was tied to my desk in 4th grade by Sister Annunciata. I asked if I could try to get out. She said she wouldn’t. The story did not end well.

75. When I’m watching things on tv with others I like talking about it – not a single person in my family approves of this sort of conduct.

76. It doesn’t stop me from gabbing.

77. I doubt myself tons, but cover it up nearly perfectly with bravado.

78. I am not me without God in me.

79. I don’t like the word “Christ” – It goes back to my childhood days in Brooklyn, way before I even knew who Our Lord was. Every adult I knew used it as a curse word. “Jesus Christ!” It was something I knew NOT to say.

80. When I read “Christ” in my Bible I automatically sub it with “Messiah”, “Lord”, “Our Lord” – or the like – makes me feel better.

81. I love God. I love his church. I struggle to actually go to church though, to get out of my own private “just you and me God” bubble, and connect.

82. I’ve been Christian for 26 years now, graduated from Seminary, and have spent only 7 years as a church member. I was intimately connected to God all along. That’s all I needed. Right? Wrong.

83. Only when I was homeless – I guess that should be one of these numbers – only then, in a study of ancient church history did I discover finally that what I called “freelance” Christianity was never the plan. It has always been about connection with our brothers and sisters in Our Lord. I missed that boat entirely. I’m now learning to connect. It’s hard.

84. Studying ancient church history is what all homeless people do right?

85. I like pistachios – but my thumbnail gets sore from splitting them open when I eat too many at one sitting.

86. I always eat too many at one sitting.

87. I used to like the roadrunner, but as an adult I identify more with Wile. E. Coyote.

88. I always thought Tom, from Tom and Jerry, you know, the cat – I always thought he got the short end of the stick.

89. I realize, of course, that if either he or the coyote if he ever did “win” in an episode – there would be no more cartoon. So I kinda get it – but still don’t like it.

90. I will always be indebted to “mommie bloggers” for teaching me how to line up my words like bunny prints in the snow instead of squares of concrete on the sidewalk.

91. I never had a tattoo. I hate pain. If I ever get one – it’ll be a dot.

92. I love hot tea, in something ceramic, with a handle, and enough whole fat milk in it to make it a light tan color, AND about 1.5 tons of sugar.

93. My natural bent is to be self centered, whiny, impatient, doubtful, oversensitive, undisciplined, rebellious…but then God.

94. I heart twitter – don’t heart facebook so much. People who follow tweets, well, they really do follow your tweets. People who “friend” you – seriously, are they really friends?

95. I think “please” at the beginning of almost any request makes it better.

96. I find it fascinating that if someone sees a Happy Meal they don’t assume it was made by a random smashing together of atoms – someone had to make it. But the whole universe? Oh, that just happened, all by itself.

97. If I don’t keep reminding myself that this journey really is the destination, that the now is important to be in, I get lost somewhere between dreaming and depression.

98. Now is the only thing that actually is. God is in and all over the now. The past is gone. The future isn’t real – yet. Literally, God’s name is “I am”. He is, by title, “He Who Is”.

99. And in that “which is” we live and move and have our being. Whether we admit it or not.

100. Ergo…God is the number one thing.

The puppie dogs and ice cream are down the hall and to the left.