So the doctor tried a new medication…
an attempt to treat my 15 year old insomnia.
I’m thankful for the effort.
But this thorn in my side?
Our Lord isn’t finished with it…
and it’s not finished with me…
yet.
The “cure” I was given was drastically worse than the illness.
So I close my eyes…
and see with better eyes…
invisible alongside visible.
And I see…
what that drug did to me
is what sin does to us.
I might actually have slept a little better.
But I don’t know.
The days on the medication are very blurry.
The drug did that.
Sin does that.
To believe in God is to see his hand in our lives.
He’s always active in them, if we love him.
But seeing it?
That’s the dark chocolate of faith.
Sin blurs “God” vision and memory.
When I let things into my life that shouldn’t be there…
when I choose a path different than that which I should…
when I center vision on things in life other than Our Lord…
vision of God, and angels, and love, and truth…
and the war going on between Perfect Good and horrid evil…
I miss all of that and can only see with earthly eyes.
I don’t much want such limited vision.
If there is a God…
and if that God is the God of our Bible…
He created us for intimacy with him…
It took forever to find this picture. But it's perfect. In it I can see Jesus...and us...inseparable...near
we live…to know…to believe…to love…
until the time comes when we won’t have to “believe”…because we’ll know.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face.
At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
(1 Cor 13:12)
With no sin there will be perfect “God” vision.
For this momentary light affliction
is producing for us
an eternal weight of glory
beyond all comparison,
as we look
not to what is seen
but to what is unseen;
for what is seen is transitory,
but what is unseen is eternal.
(2 Cor 4:17,18)
The drug…
it caused me…
to feel things I didn’t…
see things I didn’t…
want things I didn’t.
It cut off hope, and light, and love.
But it also did more…
and sin does more…
and there is more.
Please. Come. Back.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
How good that you could see a parable in this, and such a good one. Yes, sin, even just a sinful mindset, does blur, if nothing else (although yes, it does a lot more). Hope the yucky effects have worn off, and that you’re just in an “ordinary” state of insomnia. Prayers for someone figuring out the cause. If that could be treated instead of just the symptoms…
I’m finding, in this year named “see” that there are parables and just about everything. I wonder if maybe that’s why Jesus was so good at them – he had those spiritual eyes – they could see the lessons in absolutely everything around him. I’ve been off the drug for a few days now and I’m returning to my normal state of “bad” – I’m thankful for the normal state of “bad” (◠‿◠) and although I keep open some hope for a “cure” – after 15 years of this I think if there’s a cure – it will not come from the doctors – you know? Anyway, God bless and keep you, Sylvia, and thank you.
So powerful how you likened the effect of the drug to sin . . . that blurry vision, unfocused, and not on God. Just beautiful, Craig. I will be back!
Martha, I don’t much care for how the lesson was learned – but I am thankful that our Lord helped me see the lesson in the trial. I guess it makes sense that sin would be so tricky – since father of sin is so tricky. Anyway, thank you Martha, God bless!
Hey Craig…I’m here as I promised. I love the quotation from 2 Corinthians! (and the picture is gorgeous). Often we really only focus on the trial and not what’s beneath it, yes? Interestingly, there’s an article I’ve been working on in the midst of these storms of ours in a similar theme. Hopefully, I’ll get it done for next week.
As for the effect of the drug..yes I get that! About 12 years ago my father died from cancer and it was a very stressful time for us. I started getting anxiety attacks and I know I was depressed. Eventually I sought help from a doctor who put me on an anti-depressant. After a couple of weeks, I suddenly realised that I could feel nothing…I was numb inside. I didn’t like that feeling at all. Maybe I wasn’t getting anxiety attacks but I could feel no joy, no pleasure…nothing. It was like I had ceased to exist and was just a shell. I stopped taking them and slowly recovered with the help of God. Now He’s my Divine Physician and my Psychologist/Psychiatrist…my everything!
I hope that you discover the true purpose behind your insomnia…meanwhile praying for you.
Lisa Maria – this drug that I took was from the time period that you took your drug. It was called trazodone – technically an antidepressant – from back then. I think what it did was build up Serotonin levels – the modern antidepressants don’t build up. Serotonin. It’s a thing where the serotonin gets passed naturally from one nerve to another – except in some people the nerves keep the serotonin – and break the chain – and that causes depression – at least that’s what the doctors think. So maybe you took the same thing – and I could certainly see where “not caring” could lead to suicidal thoughts – it’s like if someone really truly believes there is no God – the logical end to that is also suicide – because nothing matters. That could be a post one day hmmmm (◠‿◠). And one more thing – I really get “anxiety attacks”. I’ve never had them – but my brother has – they can be absolutely debilitating. I’m sorry you had to go through it – but I’m happy that you and I both have the same Divine Physician. And the purpose behind me insomnia – my thorn? I already know some of it, it’s made me more compassionate, more understanding of those with illness, and removed a lot of arrogance and pride – it has and is doing its work – I hate the thorn – I love the God who allows it. God bless you, Lisa Maria!
I took myself off of a drug, recently, that was causing similar issues. Depression was an UNDERSTATEMENT, and let’s not even get started about the nausea and exhaustion. I love the way you turned all of that into a life lesson. I seriously need to bookmark this one.
one of the weirder things was, Layla, the nausea, combined with the desire to eat – too weird. And this apathy a experienced – this not caring about anything – I can see how one or two more days on this medication and that not caring about anything could have led to not caring about living. Scary. I think that’s a post coming on that too. Thank you, Layla, I hope your health isn’t so bad (I know enough not to say good), I hope your new home is awesome, and all your boys are happy, I’m really glad I bloggy know you.
Once again, you are so clearly explaining what you see. and the lessons in there, not many people would make that connection, but I see it, and am glad you do to.
Michelle, I’m finding in this year named “see” is that I only “see” when I intentionally TRY. My earthly eyes are still dominant – my spiritual eyes are still accessories – I need to get to the point where the spiritual eyes are dominant and the material eyes are accessories. Does that make sense? I’m getting there. It’s only five months into the year (◠‿◠) God bless you Michelle!