source
My answer was a firm, “No.”
The question was from the doctor who put me on the drug that pulled me into an incredibly dark place.
The question was, “Are you having suicidal thoughts?”
Now I do have to tell you that my insomnia…
it drags hard toward depression…
but it seems not to be “clinical”…
it doesn’t respond to medication…
it’s just the decades long lack of sleep.
But thoughts of suicide?
No.
Although many years ago…
the answer was…just once…
almost…
yes.
Peering over the edge of a tall boat…
water glistening about 30 feet below…
I thought, “One step and it’s over…
I’ll never have to admit to those I love…
how I’ve have failed so miserably.”
I didn’t take that step for one reason…
this nagging tendency I have to talk with God.
It’s one of my better tendencies.
I shook my head at him – at God…
and said with resignation, “Fine!”
Argument over.
But…I was on the edge long enough to understand its pull…
…how someone might think that ending things would be the way to go from where everything is struggle and trial and wrong, to where…
“He will wipe every tear…and there shall be no more…mourning…or pain.” (REV 21:4)
God and I discussed how it would be different if I were Catholic, because the Church considers suicide to be a “mortal” sin – unforgivable.
I know I’d worry…
uncertain if oblivion or hell were next…
and heaven only the faintest “maybe”…
but to believe the next step is heaven…
that could radically change the equation.
I can understand how a Christian friend of mine once made the wrong choice.
For a Christian, suicide is always the wrong choice.
“You’re not done with this life yet, are you?” I asked God.
And there was a comforting, yet unsettling feeling of “No”.
There is still that same feeling of “No”.
But the drug last week…
it was drowning out that feeling…
it was making me not care about anything.
And though I never thought of suicide…
if I remained on the drug I would have…
and I might not…have talked with God.
And I’m thinking of something a Seminary Professor said of the logical conclusion of believing there is no God. It has to do with how this drug made me feel…
and life…
and death…
and suicide.
I know it’s heavy…
but it’s not unimportant.
Please come back.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Craig, I almost never talk of these times in my life. I have found that people look at you as if at any moment, you will pull out a gun and shoot yourself, even though it was years ago that you felt this way. Only someone who has been there understands in a way that comforts and encourages . . . and smiles at our choices to stay. I often think of the Garden of Gethsemane and the paradox of what happened — one who had life in front of him chose suicide, and the One who had death in front of him chose death so that we all might have life more abundantly. There were times during those dark periods that I almost sneered at those words “life more abundantly.” But then I thought of the alternative — when if He had chosen not to come and live to die for me. .. .? Then what would my life be?
I find it amazing how God intervenes in these darkest of times. Sometimes, it is very subtle, sometimes a person appears at just the right time, a phone call, or even just a small thought or a task that needs to be done first. For me it was the latter. I had to delay suicide in order to find care for my dog. But since I couldn’t part with her, neither could I do the deadly act of suicide and leave her. After that, came the long, slow process of coming out of the dark places. It was hard, as I spoke of it to no one. Back then, you just didn’t. I remember feeling like I was sitting under that tree in your pictures, buzzards up there in the branches just waiting for my eyeballs!
I’m so glad you chose life, Craig. I’m glad you know how to converse with God and hear Him. I’m glad you are a part of my life in this little bloggy circle. You are valuable to me. But most importantly, you are valuable to Him. Thank you for making the right choices!!! And I still pray for you, and am praying for you now!
Cora, that’s such an interesting point you make about Judas, the betrayer and Jesus, the Saviour…and that thing about your dog saving you. In a way you make the point that Craig has been emphasizing on his other blog..that love is the center of everything. Even in the darkness, your love for your dog is what kept you from going over the edge. So love actually was the beginning of your healing…no surprise there because ‘God is love’ so He was always there. Thank you for sharing this!
Tears friend.
the problem for me was – in that one moment – that point of decision – you need to have people IN your life – you need NOT to be isolated – or at least have a loved dog – to speak to you in that dark place. This was at the time in my Christianity when I ONLY had God. Even when I was IN a church – I wondered sometimes if, by having so many other believers around, I lost that infinitely intimate connection with God – the kind of connection that says if I let go – I have nothing – I have no one. the whole point over on Deep into Love lately is that even if you find or build a shelter in the storm – there can be right and wrong ones – people can be both. At this point, on that boat, the only one who COULD have intervened was my best friend – and he did. God bless you, Cora – and God bless that dog!
Oh Craig…my heart ached for you as I read this. Oh yes, I’ve been on the edge myself and those dark sinister voices have whispered to me too “It would be so easy wouldn’t it?” Thank God that His voice is stronger and resonates deep within. I believe that God allowed me to experience this deep, dark pit so that I could understand the despair and heaviness that takes over…so I could empathize, so I could help. I had to deal with a situation with someone close to me who was cutting herself and it used to make me so angry! I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t deal with it. When I descended into my own pit, I started seeing things through her eyes and I had a more compassionate heart and I could help her through her episodes. Will be back to read more…
God be with you!
I didn’t think that I would dwell upon this very long – but I think I will stay here for a while. Everything you said – I understand. We can’t get it unless we go through it – and going through it does nothing if we don’t use it to help others. That’s the way of love. To feel that moment of despair – I know that moment – you do too – and I’m glad we BOTH know HIM. Thank you, Lisa Maria, and God bless and keep you.
(sorry i’ve been absent lately…life is nuts)
I’m praying for you dear!
thank you Shannon – thank you for the prayer – I always need prayer – but not to worry – there are no “thoughts” – just thoughts about the “thoughts”. You know? God bless and keep you my friend.
Craig, my answer, years ago, was yes. but I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to my brother, so of course as soon as i told him, my attempt was halted. what a dark hopeless selfish time of my life. perhaps i wasn’t even a Christian — i have no memory of talking to God then, when i was 18 and tired of trying and tired of hurting, but i have very little memory of the early years. and, like Cora, i didn’t speak of it, couldn’t. i admit i have had other thoughts of it, dreams of it. even recently. thank you that you said no. thank you for writing and loving and sharing. i get such hope from you. please come back soon.
Nancy, first of all, I apologize for being so late to reply – running behind. But I SO heart your comments. ANd thank you my friend for admitting what you did to me. Christianity is such a cold place sometimes when it comes to admitting shortcomings and weaknesses and meed – and having them well received. A wounded lion learns to hide all of its wounds – because it knows the pride would leave it behind. Christians shouldn’t be like lions – should we? God bless and keep you, Nancy – and thank you.
Hi again. first of all, your answer came just at the right time. second, thank you for calling me your friend. it means so much. yes, it’s hard to admit our shortcomings, but we are commanded to, right? and pride gets in the way of that, but how can we not if our Lord Jesus says to do it? i’ve hid a long time because of the hurt (both real and perceived), but i’m coming along a little at a time. i prayed long for a group of women to meet with, study the Bible and share lives. that is happening, because i, and they, risked, and risk, the hurt, and had hope of something better. it’s an answered prayer. and i return to your blogs again and again because of the hope you offer in your words, always pointing to God. thank you, my Friend. God bless you this day and every day.
Nancy, the more you read, the more you’ll know that I have gone through life with very VERY few friends – I learned early on that being alone and invisible was safer. But you know how I named this year. “See”? I named last year “connect” and I’m still growing in both areas. I’m really glad you found a group of women – to study the Bible – and almost as importantly – to share. Women are so fortunate to have this ability that men don’t seem to have – to enter into each other’s lives and discuss feelings and whatnot. I like doing that – in that way I’m not a regular guy – I AM a regular guy – but not in the way. And think YOU for calling ME – YOUR friend. God bless you, Nancy – and think you.
Dear Craig,
Thank you for sharing on such a “dreaded” topic. Although the word was never mentioned, after our beloved first son left us, it sent our second son into a dark depression. I was afraid of that word and I think he was too. In his dark room one night, contemplating, God spoke to his heart so loudly, that he began a radical healing. He is a healthy, happy, whole young man now majoring in Religious Studies and Art. I just wrote about him in a post called Talents for Therapy. And he and a friend made a U-tube of him giving his testimony.
People need to talk and share and not hide. Thank you for not hiding and sharing. . .you to dear Cora! You never know who it will touch. . .who it will save.
I still pray for you Craig , for your sleeping habits.
God bless you!
Kristin, I think remember reading of your sons before – and I’m really glad about your younger one. We DO so need to share and not hide – but we Christians are the worst at this – always afraid that someone will judge – and sadly, there’s always someone in the church TO judge. We don’t “love one another” very well. Thank you for being so full of love – it’s in your writing – it’s in your life – it was in THIS comment (which I was so late to reply to). Thank you Kristin, and God bless and keep you!
You know, Craig, your blog is all about me so when I read the title “In which is the thought of suicide” I thought, “Oh, no, I’ve got to help Craig. He can’t leave us.”
I am with Cora here when she says, “You are valuable to me.” Holy cow, any man who can hang around the hen house as long as you have, get pecked and squawked at as much as you have and still be willing to leave your geeky, ur ah, I mean Greeky pearls of wisdom for us to gather up, is a true Sister. No suicide allowed. I am so thankful it’s not even in your peripheral vision, but if it ever gets there. let us know, we’ll squawk at you some more!
Till He comes for us and not a moment sooner,
Dawn
Dawn, I’ve been “pecked and squawked at.” – But I’ve also been nurtured and learned so much – and I’m so much the better for hanging out with the hens ツ thank you for being one of the more precious people I have met in this bloggy world.
And I’m sorry I’m so late in replying to your comment!!
When I saw your title, Craig, I had the same reaction as Dawn. NOOOOOO!
Whew! What a relief that you have this wonderful habit of talking with God and know He has many plans in store for you in this life.
And, I’m so, so glad you’ve stopped taking that hideous drug!
Know, too, that I’m praying daily for you, dear friend.
I will be back . . .
I actually thought about changing the title to “thoughts ON a thought of suicide.” – The first one DID seem like too much of an alarm bell – sorry for that ツ and I don’t know where I’d be without that habit of chatting with God – what Paul called “praying continually.” – At least that’s what I THINK he meant. And it was no picnic OFF of the drug – first there were days of lingering effects – then a brief kind of euphoria for not feeling that way anymore – but instead the “normal” depression of being sleepless – which felt kind of euphoric – because everything is relative. It’s just my thorn – just my thorn – just. my. thorn. And thank you for your prayers Martha – God bless you today my friend.
Craig, I know you know this already, but he just wants to remind you.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
I’ve had my share of sleepless nights too Craig, so I understand what it’s like, and how you feel the next day. I will surely pray for you dear friend.
Deborah, the sleep issues were actually fun for the first five years or so – it seemed I had so much extra time to get things done – but for the last 10 years it’s stolen more and more – health, ability, strength – not a big fan of not sleeping – it steals too much. And yes – the first place to run – and NOT run away from – is HIM. Thank you my friend. God bless and keep you today ツ
So thankful for you and for you knowing that that drug was a big no-no . . .because it made you feel nothing. And it made you remember about when you felt like maybe suicide was an option. You are an incredible witness for Him Craig, to go through what you do the way you do! God bless you!
I don’t always feel like such an “incredible witness” – more like a whiny child being dragged through the aisles of a grocery store. ツ but thank you Debbie, thank you. God bless you too!!
I have been there also Craig. I asked the question. I attempted once years ago…….. without any success at all. I was lousy at planning. Which looking back was a good thing.
More recently, I asked myself again, and this time the answer was — ok valid thought— why am I asking? The answer, to get rid of the pain inside. So this time the answer was NO. Pain, darkness, anxiety, depression…… God is with me in all of it. This time even in the pain I had HOPE.
Brilliant Katie – your answer to yourself – “okay – valid thought – now why am I asking.” – There’s a ton of brilliance in that. And to not be alone in that place – to know that you know that you know that HE is in it with you – there’s the hope. Amen. Thank you and God bless you!